I was reading through my latest blogs to become inspired and I noticed that my blog was getting a little advicey.  WT?<--- I like to just write WT because it's less aggressive without the F.

Who am I to be dolling out advice?  I mean, who am I BESIDES almost a doctor and damn close to the smartest person I know.  You obviously don't know very smart people.  Touché <-- I know that does say to-shay but it looks like douche.  That's gross.

Moving on...

Today's blog will provide no advice for you.

So...what the hell should I write?  I love giving advice.  My friend/co-worker said the other day, "Ya know, we're all a little arrogant and LOVE to talk about what we're doing."  Yes I am.



Cool Stuff
1.  Spa Day
Ahhhh.  I'm so excited for a day at The Scottsdale Princess with my friend.  Facials, rooftop pools and an inhalation room.



2.  Lap Swimming
I love it.  I know I have said, in the past, there were certain workouts that I enjoy but nothing as much as swimming.  It's amazeballs.


3.  No Alarm
Possibly the best part of summer.  A leisurely wake up, followed by 2 cups of coffee in a real mug.



4.  Meet Bella
My boss just had a baby and I'm so excited to hold her and smell her baby head.

5.  Date
I have one tomorrow.  Get it Katie.  Thanks friends



Lame Stuff
1.  Eye Doctor 
I can't see that well out of my left eye.  The letters in the Search section of Netflix is looking pretty blurry.  Most interesting thing I read all day.  I'm secretly excited about it because I like wearing glasses when I only have to wear them sometimes.  Katie, things aren't secrets when you tell us.  Noted.


2.  Liver Specialist.  
Liver alone.  Ha!  An appointment I've been putting off for about a year.  That's a cartoon of my liver because real liver pictures of yucky.


3.  Paint my House
These are my colors and in reality the chances of this actually getting done are slip to none.


4.  TAP Test
4 long hours.  Boo.

5.  Work on my Syllabus
I need to get my syllabus ready for the Fall.

6.  Teachers Pay Teachers
I need to post a few more things.  I want my average monthly earnings to be at $200 this year.  That's a $50 increase.  I need to get working.
Cool and Lame
1.  Wine with my Neighbor
Today i saw my neighbor outside.  She said, "Hi Katie!  Hi Scout!"  We chatted for quite a while. I've lived across the way from her for about 4 years.  She's known my and my dog's name for 4 years.   I still don't know her name and now we have plans to have wine.  What in Sam Hell am I going to do?!?!  We're going to sit in my house and I am not going to know her name?  Help me!!

Remember, here, where I talking about starting therapy?  Well, I got a kick in the ass by my family and they forced me to go started going.  I'm not sure how I feel about it, any of it yet, but I did learn something fairly mind blowing.

Hang on.

She say, "Did you know that 90% of the conversations we have are inter monologue with ourselves? And did you know that 70% of that monologue is negative to ourselves?  What do you say to yourself? Would you be friends with someone who spoke to you the way you speak to you?"

Sidenote: I probably made up those percentages but I think they are close.

MIND. BLOWN.

I started noticing what I say to myself.



Typical day and I'm so sadly not exaggerating.

Alarm goes off.  I push Snooze.  Alarm goes off again.
"Katie, get up.  You're so lazy.  You didn't go to the gym this morning.  You're so lazy."

Walk to the shower and look in the mirror.
"Ugh, gross.  More wrinkles.  Fatter.  Hmm, not sure I love my hair.  Should have taken off my make-up last night."

In the shower.
"Really?  You haven't shaved your legs in forever.  That was awesome that you wore shorts yesterday."

I'll spare you the whole day but the worst part is, I bet I'm not alone.  What do you say to yourself?


So, fast forward.  Therapist says, "I want you to think of an affirmation and make it a habit to say it each time you _________________.  You can say it each time you walk through a doorway or get out of you car, whenever.

LPIMH:  Wow, this is some legit therapy.  Affirmations?

But, I think of an affirmation for myself and call my BFF.

I tell her the story and she says, "What's your affirmation?"
I said, "I'm not sure but I think it's going to be, Katie, you are a beautiful, smart and confident woman who is open to talking to new people."
She replies, "That's ok but I think we need to gangsta it up a bit, how about,
B!@#$, you beautiful AND you got book smarts!" 

So, I leave you with some homework...
1.  Notice what you're saying to yourself this week
2.  Be nice to you!  You're awesome!

I feel it is my duty to offer a bunch of unsolicited advice give some swimming safety tips.

Perhaps it's because of my years of  prematurely getting wrinkles lifeguarding, or permanently etching a Speedo tan line into my body being on swim team for years, or 10 years of wiping noses in the pool teaching swimming lessons or just always being around water but there are very few things as important to me as being safe around water.


10.  Kids MUST Learn to Swim
It's not optional.  It's not when you have time.  They have to learn.  I, personally, think all kids should be able to swim without any floaties, etc by 3 years old.  The reason being that's a PERFECT age for them to learn because they are old enough to take direction and young enough to not be too afraid.


9.  Practice in the Bath
Bubbles, ears in the water, float on your back, put your eyes in the water!  It can all be practiced when it's bath time

8.  Swim Lesson Should be Short and Often
Take a kid one time per week for an hour is not nearly as effective, when they are first learning, as taking them every single day for 15 minutes.  There are lots of intensive programs out there so if you're given the option-2 solid week sessions rather than once a week is the way to go.


7.  Dunk Em
In the bath, in the pool, anywhere with water.  Take them under the water.  They will be fine.  Yes they will.  Then, if they cry, don't ask them if they are ok or be sad with them.  They're fine!  Say, "Wasn't that fun!  Did you see the fisheys?  I saw a blue one!" I once had a parent sit by the side and would have her kid get out of the pool and run to her so she could wipe his face each time I put him under water.  Punch.  You know why!

PS.  For all the concerned parts about water intoxication, taking them under 4 times in 30 minutes will be ok.

6.  Pool Gates
No exceptions.  Ever.  Every time I taught swimming lessons, I would go over the safety rules.  I would say, "Are you allowed to go swimming without a grown-up?"  One time a kid yelled, "No!"  I said, "Why not?"  He said, "Cause you'll get a hard spankin!"  Hey, works for me!
5.  Go Away if They're Scared and Crying
Swim instructors everywhere would agree that they have a MUCH harder time if you sit by the side while they're still scared to be away from you and scared of the water.  Watch from a window and come back after they're ok in the water.

4.  Let Someone Else Do It
If you have a really reluctant swimmer, chances are, they will swim better without you than with you trying to teach them.

3.  Group, not Private
Kids do well with some positive peer pressure.  Sometimes private are great but when you have a really reluctant swimmer a class with 4 other kids might be just what he/she needs



2.  Hire a Lifeguard
If you're having a pool party, hire a lifeguard whose only job is to watch those kids swim.


1.  Have a Designated Child Watcher
My family and I physically look each other in the eyes and say, "Are you watching ______?  I have to go ________."  "Yes."  Then when they get back we do it again, "Ok, I'm watching _______ now."  It might sound over the top but I can't tell you how many times a kid has silently slipped under the water. Accidents happen in a second and it's often when everyone thinks everyone else is watching.



What other big ones did I miss?!  I'm sure there are tons!

Swim Safe!  Or as my niece would safe Fwim Safe!

Diana's Bananas
Get them now.  It's pure deliciousness with very few ingredients and pretty low cal!


My Water Filter
You know how you know it's time for a new water filter?  It's when the fridge is blinking that you need a new water filter and your water tastes like garbage.  So I got one, about 6 months after that began.
My water is blissful now.

Just to be clear, my water doesn't dispense lemons, but that would be awesome

Texting
Remember when you used to have to actually communicate with people on the phone?  Phew, glad that era is over.
Also, not to put a damper on the positivity but what I'm hating is Speaker Phone.  Dear Every Single Person I Know, You never need to put me on speaker phone.  Ever.  No, it doesn't sound the same.  Yes, I can tell.  This was my conversation with my friend the other day:
Me: I can't hear you
Her: Oh, is that better?
Me: Yeah, was I on speaker.
Her: Yeah and I had my phone sitting on the seat next to me.
Me: Brilliant way to have a conversation.  Let's never do that again.


Amazon Prime
"I really want ________________ (fill in any product).  They have that at Target (4.5 miles from my house).  Eh, I just got home and it's 111 degrees.  I guess I don't need it right this minute and could wait for 2 days.  (Order on Amazon Prime)."


Growing Kids
Oh, you didn't think I posted enough pictures, on Facebook, of my niece and nephew either?  Ok, ok, here's a few more.  I had the BEST girls trip with Danielle and Lily.  I couldn't have asked for better houseguests (not that they are actually guest, they're family, but they were awesomeballs).   It was so much fun to get to know Lily as just Lily, without her brother.  We had some good, good bonding moments.  Then, I couldn't believe how big and cool Philip had gotten.  "Philip, Aunt Katie can't wait to nuggle with you all night!"  He replies, "Well...Aunt Katie, I need my space."  What?! When did he get so old?!


In looking through my phone I found several pictures of things I wanted to blog about.  I am certain you'll be on the edge of your seat for the following upcoming blogs:

- Salad Box
- Patterns of Self Destruction
- Yo B!@#$, You Beautiful
- The Power of Popsicles

My nails were in dire need of some support so I headed off to my local nail salon.  Fancy Nails.  I super love it there because:
- It's big
- It's clean
- It's new so it's not that crowded
- The owners daughter is so stinkin cute with her little bob haircut

"Hi there.  I haven't seen you in 3 weeks," said the owner as I walked in.

A new lady, that I haven't had before, approached me and got my pedicure station ready.
Her name was Tam.

"Hi Tam."
I walk over and she stands with me while I pick my color.  I usually take a real long time because I have to find the OPI Gel with the exact OPI regular polish match.  Not one that looks similar, the exact one.

She waits with me and suggests several colors.  I went with some Mod About You
 

She starts on my nails and asks which number I want and makes a joke about me wanting #200.  There is no #200.  The joke wasn't very funny but I didn't tell Tam.

This blog is about how I need to learn to be more assertive with Tam.  I had trouble.  See below.

Surgery
She starts digging into my toes with her tools and begins trying to pull out a piece of my toenail Ummm, is she really writing this?  Yes, yes I am.

I told Tam she didn't need to pull any of my toenail out and I had surgery years ago and it was always just like that.

Tam didn't like that answer and she told me she would fix it.
LPIMH: Ummm, you're not a doctor.
Katie: Actually, that's ok.  You don't have to.
Tam: I will.  You wait.  She runs off to get more tools.
Katie: You really, really don't have to do that.

She continues to do some minor surgery on my toenail.



Scrub. Scrub. 
I told her, "No callus remover please." Just so everyone is aware I think (and remember how I'm almost a doctor?) that callous remover actually GIVES you callouses and I hate getting it.
Tam: Ok.
She begins with the salt scrub and sees one of my heels.
Tam: Ohhh, I do callus remover.
Katie: No, it's ok.  It was hurt and it's healing so no callous remover.  Katie, wtf is wrong with your feet? Ingrown toenails and cuts on your heels.  Hot. 
She does the callous remover.


Flowers
Tam: Do you want design?
Katie: No, I'm ok.  No design today.
Tam: I do design for you.
Katie: Yeah, I don't really like designs and flowers.  Just paint.
Tam: Oh, no, I do design and you like.  I take classes and I do good designs.
Katie: Ok.
She did 4 designs.

After all was said and done...gel, flowers, callous remover, surgery, tip.  $80

WHAT?!  $80.  That's too much to pay for nails every 3 weeks.

Tam, you did a real nice job but next time I'll cut you if you try to force my hand.  

I keep feeling like since it's been so long that the next blog will have to be bigger, badder, and funnier but you know what?  It's not gonna be.  It's just gonna be what it is, possibly even mediocrer than the rest.

How?  How do I A-L-W-A-Y-S embarrass myself?



Everywhere we go, I stare at people on accident.
When I try and take inconspicuous pics of teammates, I am certain I am very "conspicuous."
I fall down often.
I trip over my own feet.
I have the loudest laugh ever.
And those are all the things I do sober!
And then...as if to relive it, I go ahead and share it here.
So, there we were at the ASU Football Game.  It was super packed and there were five of us.  We had just eaten a delicious meal of...of...I can't remember what.

There were were, sitting in the stadium and in the middle of everyone, in a rather loud voice because I always accidentally have a loud voice I said, "Ugh, I'm so full, I just unbuttoned my pants."  Super good looking guy turns around and high fives me.  Yep.  That happened.

I think that's my high five buddy, in grey

I said that, like a MAN and in front of a large crowd of people.  All my friends started rolling laughing, because they know I do shit like that all the time.  In fact, I think one of them may have said, "Wow, Katie, only you." I pulled a Katie.  Pulling a Katie, as in, my "signature move" is jackassness.

Enjoy your evening.  It's Summer and I have a lot more time so get ready to read!

Don't Pull a Katie tomorrow!

Do elephants live in the various rooms of your life?