I'm writing a public service announcement to all of the past, present and future women I know and a friend or two (or five) I know who is most recently going through "a thing."  Sidenote:  It's always "a thing" these days.  It's not a break-up.  It's not dating.  It's just a thing or you're engaged.  Sadly, this is actually very true.  Also, I guess this is for men too.  Do they get sad too? #iknownothingaboutmen

Moving on...

As it turns out, there are only two ways that relationship go:
1.  They end.
2.  You get married and stay together forever.

I guess that can seem depressing but when you think about how many people there are in the world and how many matches can be made, most people are bound to go through several (or, in my case, many more than several).  

There is no other option that doesn't fit into one of those categories.  Yes, I'm oversimplifying but...well, no buts.  I'm oversimplifying and for the purposes of this blog I need to do just that.


So, this is for everyone who is dealing with #1...

One of the personality traits that I hate the most is a martyr.
"Poor me.  Everything bad happens to me.  Wahhh.  Whyyyyyyyyyy don't relationships ever work out for me?
Boo.  Stop!  Put on your big girl panties and suck it up sister!

Annnnnd as much as I hate that, we all go there sometimes.

You know what else we, as women, do?  We look desperate.  I mean, not me.  I've never done anything desperate or martyrish (insert eye roll from every friend I have).  We need to stop!  We are strong and beautiful women.  PULL.  IT.  TOGETHER.  LADIES.  

I know it hurts.
It hurts when a seven year relationship...
or a fifteen year relationship...
or a six month "thing" ends.
Yes, I know there are varying degrees of hurt but we can agree that it all hurts.
Go ahead and be sad.
Cry.
Be sad.
Lay in your bed.
Be mad.
Look at your phone.
Be sad.
Re-read old texts.
Be mad.
Listen to sad songs that remind you of him.
Be sad.
Stalk away.
Then, let it go.


Get up and move the eff on.
You will.
You did last time your heart was broken and the time before that and remember that boy who broke your heart in junior high?  You're ok from that one too.   You actually see pictures of him and his wife and kids and smile and think, "Awe, I'm glad he's happy."
You will this time too.
Give it the time it needs but know that there is another side to this yucky heartache.

He wasn't your lobster.  

It's hard to really feel that when you're deep in it but as you pull away and "get better," you can look back and kinda chuckle to yourself and, "Well, glad that didn't work out."

Chin up, shoulders back, Baby.  You'll be just fine. <--- famous quotes from Mom

Feel free to come back to this blog next time...and the time after that until you find your lobster and you will.

Let's talk about something that's been a concern of mine for a long time.

Leaving People.
It's unkind.  It causes anxiety.  It makes life worse.  Please stop doing it.  

Just shop together.  It's better.



As equal parts logical and emotional I'd like to come at this from two different angles to prove my point.  My hope is that this blog strikes such a chord with you that NONE of you ever split up in the store again...ever.  Wow, you're really giving your writing abilities a lot of credit right now, aren't you?  

You walk into the store with someone else and they say, "I'm gonna grab the sugar," and they head off in the other direction as you.


How does that make you feel?  Fine.  Well it makes me feel like I need a Xanax.
 

I'd love to say all of these questions come from the LPIMH but if you've ever done this to me, you've already heard the spiel (yes, loud and clear Cartier)  but for those of you who haven't had the privilege of shopping with me here it is...

Why?  Why are we splitting up?

The Emotional Side: Grocery shopping with other people is SO MUCH FUN!  You get to chat in the aisles.  It can be very relaxing to peruse together and it's perfect bonding time and if you ever go with my brother you might: play volleyball in the liquor aisle. have a full out battle with armor and masks in the toy aisle, or play "Who can buy the best present for a dollar."

Since I have multiple friends who are therapist and are psychoanalyzing this...yes, I got lost once.  I was 9 and in Hawaii.  It was traumatic.  Don't leave meeeeeeeeeeee!  I'm writing it small as to not draw attention to the fact that this may have something to do with why I hate splitting up.  It can't detract from the rest of my arguments because they are rock solid.  

(Reader Note:  You'll really get the fill gist if you read this very, very quickly so you can really feel and understand the exasperated tone with which it's written)

The Logical Side (and a little more emotional too):  Splitting up makes absolutely no sense at all.  The time you think you save by dividing and conquering is quickly eating up by attempting to locate one another.  Even if you make a plan to meet by the gum, how detailed was your plan, really?  You didn't discuss what type of gum?  Aisle gum with the candy or checkout counter gum?  Then you have to search both locations and meanwhile they were near the tortillas because they saw a sale.  Before you know it, you've walked the entire store.  All the while, the other person's heart is starting to beat SO FAST because should they go to the gum?  Should they stay put?  Should they just check out?  What if they got sick of waiting and went to the car?  What if they are waiting near the bananas because you mis-heard the conversation all together?


To all of the people in my life who know about the anxiety store splitting causes me and think is HILARIOUS to leave me immediately upon entering...punch.  You know why!  It's bad enough when you do it at my local Target but when you try and do it in other countries or states...I just can't.

So, in conclusion.  No, I don't want to split up.  If you try and leave me, I'll run after you like a little lost puppy and I'll make you do a science experiment for the next four trips where we time each other in each scenario in order to prove I'm right.  Don't make me get out my stopwatch.  Just trust me and do the right thing.