"No, no, no, no.  I'm not ready.  What did I just say I would do?  I know this kid.  I know the difficult behaviors he comes with and I just invited them into my home.  I have no idea how to be a parent," and it just kept rolling in my head as I furiously turned the "baby" room into a boy room and dashed off to the store to pick up more "kid food" while pulling out my phone to call the case worker back and tell her I had made a mistake. I was just spinning in my head when I got a text from an old friend whose words always have an innate ability to bring me to tears or change my actions on the spot,

And the checker at the counter looked at me with eyes that said, "I'm not sure why this shredded cheese is making you cry, but maybe you shouldn't be shopping right now?"

I took a deep breath, decided not to call and cancel my request for this kiddo and just kept reading that text.  I've done this a hundred times.  I got this.

And then it unfolded like a scene from a movie...

9:30 pm: Knock on the door and I answer to two DCS workers with a terrified little boy in front of them, holding a pillowcase full of his things.  My eyes immediately got hot with tears and a golf ball swelled up in my throat-both of which I forced myself to swallow back.  Why, why had this little boy been through so much in a short time?  He had buried himself in his clothes as if to try and shield him from the pain of this day and so many that came before it.  I said, "Hey Baby.  I'm so happy to see you.  Come here.  I've missed you so much," and into my arms he came. 

As the dutiful blog reading direction follower that I am, I had a movie playing and cookies fresh out of the oven-neither of which were very interesting to him.  He got to know the dog and talked a mile a minute while I tried to fill out paperwork with the DCS workers.  As he fixed his eyes on the screen for a few minutes, I said to the women, "Is this how late you always work?  You have a hard job.  I thought I had a hard job."

They said, "No, you have a hard job and today's transition was one of the most difficult ones with him.  There were so many tears but when we told him where he was going, he was so happy.  I do these transitions for a living and I have NEVER seen that.  I almost lost it.  I have never seen a kid go into someone's arms like he just did."

And I was reminded...
for all the times I fail,
for every step I feel that I'm behind in life,
for all the qualities I don't have,

This. 

This is what I was made to do.
Loving on tough kids in tough times.

Hard love.
Tough love.
All the love.

Bring it Baby.  

And as I tucked this sweet boy, who I was already in love with, into bed in his new room, he chose, I Wish You More as our first book book on our first night.  He read to me and when he finished I kissed him on the top of his head a tear fell from my eyes and landed on his hair.

For as many days as we're together or apart, I will always wish you more sweet baby.