Wine
I feel like it's way cooler and more sophisticated to love wine than anything else so I order wine.  I drink wine at home.  And, ya know, there are some wines I really do like-a nice Cab, some cool Pino on a hot day.  And when I drink wine it's not garbage wine.

But you know what I like more than wine?  Bud Light.  Yeah, that's right.  Go 'ol Bud Freakin Light.  I don't even care that I've been acting like I like fancy wine more all these years.  It's time to get it out in the open.

Ya know what I like even more than Bud Light?  Ice water and Sparkling Water.  If you have been posing as a wine aficionado or a craft beer snob who really just loves Bud Light too, you can tell me.  I'll understand.

This is not me.  This looks like a bad headache.

How Much Money I Spend on Magazines
Too much.  Way too much.  People, Real Simple, Us...yeah, it's not ok

What's Under My Bathroom Sink
I'm a hoarder you guys.  Albeit a very organized hoarder but I have more mini and trial sized shampoos, conditioners, and lotions that anyone I know.  Embarballs

That's actually my cupboard

How Many Vegetables I Eat
It's not enough.  I feel like I need to act like a mom feeding a 3 year old and "sneak" them into my food so I'll eat them.  How do you sneak them Moms?  Is there a way I can sneak them in my food I'm cooking for myself without me knowing?


That I Like Sports
I actually really don't care.  I fear that if I tell you that, you won't invite me but I still want to go to watch the game socialize and drink beer.  Also, I like good color schemes.  I have the following sports related clothing: Ducks, Cubs, Bears, Cardinals, Suns, ASU, NAU (no real sports there).  Know why?  A-I was going to a game and liked the colors B-My friends like them.  1 season I really loved basketball.  Maybe someday I'll learn and care about them.  I really would rather just make brownies in the shapes of footballs, for everyone,  while wearing my special shirt though.



How Many Broken Pairs of Sandals I Have
3.  I have had 3 pairs of broken sandals for almost a year now.  I am going to get them fixed.  I am.  Yes I am.

My broken sandals...and 1 more broken shoe

All right, out with it.  What are you lying about?

Disclaimer: If you're sensitive and get offended easily, don't read this.  Also, you can read between the lines that this is just the venting behind the complete green shade of envy coursing through my veins ;)



If you're choosing to read on, don't even say to me, "Umm, was that about me?"  Yes, yes it was.  It was about EVERYONE.  And don't be offended because you know I love the !@#$ outta you...and your spouses...and all your damn rugrats.

Are you choosing to read on?  You've been warned and you know the rules.


Dear Friends who have been married since they finished high school who say, "Just date.  Just get online.  Just do it."
Punch.  You know why.
What in Sam Hell do you know about being single?  Nothing.

Dear People who have kids who say, "Wait til you have kids."
Punch.  You know why.
I DO have a life now and there ARE significant things that go on in with even if I don't have kids...and really?  Offensive.

Dear People who ask, "So, do you think you want kids?"
Punch.  You know why.
Do you know who you're talking to?!

Dear Everyone who says, "Have you tried doing the online thing?"
Punch.  You know why!
YOU try it.  It's a 2nd job.  The only people who ever write me on there are 55 or 18.  Awesome.

Dear all the men who broke up with me only to marry the next person you dated. (That has actually happened more than once twice three times)
Punch.  You know why!
Thanks for ruining my self esteem forever.

Dear People who post pictures of their kids who are going to kindergarten.
Punch.  You know why.
My kids haven't even made it past sperm yet.

Dear Everyone who tilts their head and says, "So, Katie, are you dating anyone?  You really should get out there."
Punch.  You know why.
You can trust that I'll sound the horns.  I promise I won't keep it a secret.
While I appreciate your concern, I feel like that's like walking up to someone who's really overweight and being like, "Ya know, you really should lose some weight."
"Thanks, I've NEVER thought of that before."

Dear Moms who complain about their husbands.
Punch.  You know why.
At least you have a damn husband.
If I cuddle with my body pillow one more night in a row I'm gonna slit my damn wrists.

Dear New Moms who have never held a baby before their own.
Punch. You know why.
I've been changing diapers and holding babies my whole life.
You're such a rookie and God deemed YOU worthy of getting knocked up and ME worthy of babysitting.

Dear My Mother and Grandmother
Punch.  You know why.
I was VERY clear about your job in Heaven when you got there-FIND. ME. A. HUSBAND.  Fail you two. Fail
What the !@#$ are you doing?  Put the cards down and get on it before my uterus closes up shop for good.

Dear God
I hope this is true...



Down the road when I have kids, tune in for the next edition of Punch entitled, "Dear People Without Kids-Punch"  Yeah, we're actually about to write that to you Katie, right after we write, "Dear People who complain that they're single but refuse to date-Punch"

Zombie Stuff
Who the hell cares about Zombies?  They are not real.  Zombie Apocalypse.  Zombie runs.  Zombie shows.  SO lame.  Why would anyone WANT to dress like ugly dead people.  Nobody likes to look at ugly things.



Bacon
Why is it cool to post about bacon all the time.  I mean, it's good but it's nothing I'd want in every meal. Chocolate covered?  Baskets out of bacon? Fun jokes about blah, blah, blah bacon.  Also lame.


Bad Tortilla Chips
Any chips that are NOT My Nana's.  Why would anyone buy something different?  It makes no sense.  No, don't even look at other ones.  Just buy these every single time.  They are the best chips on this planet.  Final answer.




Dexter
I know I said I loved it but I'm over it.  I wanna sit him down and force him to discuss his feelings.  I need him to have way more emotion than he has.  Kill.  Hide the kill.  Kill.  I just can't handle it anymore.  On to more appropriate things for me to watch like Friday Night Lights, what's more relatable to a full grown big adult than small town high school football drama? Nothing and the man playing the 17 year old, Tim Riggins, so hot.

Out

In

Small Coffee Mugs
I like big mugs and I can not lie, you other brother can't deny.  I'm embarrassed for you.  Yeah, I'm a little embarrassed for me too.

But, for realskis, Why do they even make small ones?  So lame.  I don't like almost spilling (actually, I spill every time) because of some small cup.  Katie, you spill because you're clumsy and always spill, it's not the cup.

Ha!  I thought I made that up, but it exists!  Hilar.

Paying for Things
I really am over it.  Everything costs money.  Why aren't there more free things in life?  I totally take back every time I took the fact that my parents bought my toilet paper for grated.