Sometimes I get a case of the "I miss yous," like today, still, after almost ten years has passed.  It usually happens in the morning, when it's really quiet.  I look up at my pictures, the one of you laughing with your mouth wide open (typical) or the one of you sitting between my brother and I-possibly probably regulating an argument even though we were adults, and I realize that I'm always going to miss you.


So, I look for your words and lucky for me, I always have them.

Last night I was talking to my aunt and I partially joking, "I need to be told all the time that I'm wonderful."  She laughed and said, "Yes you do," because we both know that's kinda true.  I said, "It's my mom's fault.  She always told me how great I was.  Luckily I have old e-mails and cards from her to remind me of all of it.  Although, most of them are littered with lots of advice and scolding as well."  We laughed because we know that's absolutely a fact.

I read them and I can hear your voice and it's as close as I can get to a hug from you because they are you, one hundred percent Peggy Cartier, Mom, your voice.  I silently thank God for giving you that gift because when I open them up, I almost feel you for a minute.


Just love...

You are a wonderful daughter! Yes, I forgive you for being bucky at me
because your pops gave you a bill. I think you're amazing, and truly
gorgeous, Ms Katie, so relax! When I tell you to "lead with your chest,"
it's ONLY be cause less than that looks like you lack confidence, and you,
my dear, have NO REASON to lack that! You are incredible, and I should
know! I'm not just your mom, I was your first teacher:)
XOMom

Typical...

Hey, Squirt!
I get that the kid thing trumped my desire to see you yesterday, but 
that cannot happen twice. I miss your face, your ornery little attitude, 
and the richest laugh I've heard since my own! See you on Sunday after 
yoga! There's a great looking restaurant near Blue Burrito that's a 
breakfast place. Think we shoulds try it?
XOMom
Yes, dear, you are ornery on numerous occasions. Don't take it to heart, 
kiddo, you learned from a master:) The best news is, you make a qauick 
recovery.
Love you, Mooch!

Computer Difficulties...

See, this is why I never send attachments. I forget to attach them...
XOMom
Wait, I don't know how to make an attachment...maybe I'll forward this to 
you????

Speaking her truth...
I drive: myself nuts wanting to make things better (truer?) for those I love 
most--my family, my nephews, my sister, my parents. I still believe truth 
and clear vision are the greatest gifts we have, and we can go at anything 
from that perspective--even ourselves!!!

I sing: loud and daily!

I dance: Whenever the mood strikes me, even if we're driving somewhere! I 
now just pull over, get out, and dance. Why not? You can't be arrested for 
having a good time, as long as you're out of the line of traffic...

I write: daily and for my children! So they'll know what my daughter calls 
"the real" Peggy Aarskaug Cartier!

I miss: The innocence that was Tom and Katie when they were little. Gosh! 
Soooo open and trusting of everything we said and did. A huge 
responsibility. I keep hoping (and then seeing) that yes, we did pretty 
darn good!

I search: The faces of those I love for signs of God in their lives.
I've learned: That God is in all of us, and if we believe in those we love, 
we believe in God! How simple, and how profound!

Tough Stuff...
Hey, Mooch,
Sorry I didn't just crawl in with you last night when it struck me 
(just before I went to bed!). I won't restrain myself again when it comes 
to crawling in...I still do that with my Mom:) Next time, we'll get the 
crying out of the way earlier, if we must cry. This is all just a little 
too new, I think. We'll get it together soon, as that's what Cartier kids 
do, right? We've at least got it down to just a few times a day, right?
Your Dad and I were talking this AM about the experiences you and Tom 
have had in your lives. Many more deaths to cope with than either of us had 
experienced at your age, and you both handled them with more grace than I 
knew you had at the time. I realize how poorly I'd handle my Mom's death 
even now, and I understand how frustrated you must be with this mess. Let 
your faith carry you through whatever happens next, Katie, and you'll do 
fine. I love love love that you and your brother understand that there IS 
something even bigger than your parents, who are human after all. It's how 
I fell asleep each night in the hospital--in prayer. I'm glad you go to 
church, I know it provides strength, and it's the best thing you can do for 
your children.
Keep in mind that we are strong, we can handle more than our share, and 
we continue to move forward, be as good as we know how to be, and continue 
to welcome the world in with arms wide open. It's the best part of us, 
Mooch!
XOMom
Some day, let's you and I have a day together, hunh? Shop, movie if we 
want, whatever. I love you hugely, Kathryn Ann Cartier! Chin up, shoulders 
back, you can handle anything:)

Good Reminders for Today...
That last line sounded wistful, kiddo. Worry not! You wouldn't be here 
unless you were going to have children that are even better than you! 
That's how God populates the planet when things get out of whack, kiddo. 
The good folks all get babies. When it's their time. Relax. Areyou having 
fun? Are you happy? Lucky you! All that, and you're beautiful--inside and 
out--to boot! some folks get all the gifts-
XOMom

Thank you, Mom, for this gift that I will always have-you and your profound words.  Your legacy lives on...and what a legacy it is.  

This story is about someone I know.  Not me.  Just so we're clear that my references are not from my own personal experiences...because my life is perfect and moving in a fabulous-bump free-direction.

So there's this girl I know who read a book about ten years ago called "He's Just Not That in to You," and it changed her life.  For one thing it gave her and her friends some a common language to use when we they were watching their friends in situation that had red flags all over them.

"Wellllll, he called me last night at 10:30 pm and said he was going to stop by," and those friends could say, "________________, if he's not calling in during the day, you gotta lose him.  Move on," and they could say that because it was from the book.

And this went on for years and those girls would laugh and joke, "Ha! Won't it be funny when we are 30 and married with kids and we can reminisce about the pains of dating back then."  And when those girls were 30, they pulled the book out again to reference it...and when they were 35 and needed a dose of reality, they weepily pulled the book out again.

Then one of the girls, let's call her Sadie, went out with a guy whose resume was the best she had seen to date:
Tall
Dark
Strong
Very Handsome
Cowboy
Funny
Very intelligent
Incredibly successful


And best of all, HE pursued HER hard...out of nowhere and he promised her the world.  And in her fairy tale brain she thought, "This doesn't happen.  It can't work out this perfectly...but what if it just did?  Did I just find everything I was looking for and more...in cowboy boots?"  And so, like all girls do, she had everything worked out in her brain.  She thought she had FINALLY met her match because he was the whole package and in her head Sadie had bought her own pair of boots, packed up her house and headed east to live with him in his home, in his great state.  Some people thought, "Sadie, sloooowww down Sister," and some thought, "Of course her head is going all these places because that's what girls do," while others said, "Oh my gosh Sadie.  He's totally your match."

And if this were a fairy tale about Sadie that's where it would end.  A beach girl turned cowgirl living happily ever after with her cowboy.


But this isn't a fairy tale...

He pulled way back so she pulled back so he pulled forward, but just a bit, and he'd ask about her day but didn't seem to care about her response and he's go on and on about himself and he'd only text instead of call and she'd drink wine and send a stupid text that nobody would reply to...and he wouldn't reply and her friends, who were the best people in the world, would try with the kindest words possible, treating her with the "kid gloves" she needed at the time to guide her in the right direction.

And she would bring out the quotes from that mother-fucking book to remind herself what she already knew...


And she would cry, not because of him, but because why is it still hard?  And how did she think she got SO close and find a guy that she wanted to spend more than fifteen minutes around only to have it not go her way...again.

When does the fairy tale happen?

Because I am a fully pulled together woman, I'll give my friend Sadie some advice:
Good for you for opening your heart.
Good for you for being yourself.
Perhaps you could have used a little more patience and sent one less text but you know, at the end of the day, that although it was close-so close, it wasn't enough.
So, pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and keep doing you.

Someday you'll get your fairy tale...and it won't be perfect but it will be yours and it will be your favorite story.