When I was crazed hormone raging teenager and my boyfriend had dumped my for the 15th time, that week, I was crying to my mom about him. "I don't know why he doesn't like me. He's perfect." My mom replied and said, "No, he's not perfect. You're giving him a halo effect and acting like there's absolutely nothing wrong with him and he's a dick sometimes." Ok, she said some other not nice words about him that I'll leave out. Gotta love moms right? Anyone hurts their kids and look out!

15 years later and I am finding that men fall into 2 categories when I'm done with them, Halo or Horns.



Examples:
There's a guy in my class who I think has a crush on me. He says my name, like, a hundred times a day. He fills up my water cup during the breaks, just because he notices its empty. He always compliments something about me, "Look at your big, green eyes." (Well, now that I'm thinking about it, maybe that's not a compliment. Maybe they freak him out). "You're really photogenic." "Wow, you look nice. You're all dressed up." All this niceness and all I can say is, "He picks his fingers. He bites his nails. He reached INSIDE of his shorts to adjust himself. INSIDE his shorts."
HORNS

Went on a date with a guy and here's what I said when I got home (ok, not all the way home, got into my car). "I felt like I was on a date with my dad. He showed me, no he literally SHOWED me what was in all of his bank accounts."
My friend, "Um, so how much was there?"
"Who cares! He told me I should shop at 2nd hand stores to save money and that I should make sure I pay off all my credit cards every month!"
"Um, you should."
"Shut up. I know. How do I know? Because that's what my dad says. He tells me all the time and I have to listen because he's my dad, but I don't have to listen to a dude tell me that on a first date."

I'm pretty sure I went on to give a very detailed list of everything wrong with Dad Dude from his clothes to what we discussed to what he ordered and on it went.
HORNS.

Other dude:
My friends are nauseous because I still mention him sometimes.
"Are we done here? That guy was a dick and he's still a dick."
"I know but he was so nice. We really connected. I loved being around him. He was so funny and when I was around him I wanted to be exactly where I was and I wanted it to last longer."
HALO

So, why do they all fall into these 2 categories? Where's the gray? Because if I really think about it, Dad Dude is a pretty nice guy, actually a really nice guy. And he noticed stuff about me and complimented me and was a gentleman. He's tried to connect with me multiple times, since then, and I keep shooting him down.

And if I really think about it and I don't even REALLY have to think about it, other guy was a DICK. No, not just your average run-of-the-mill dick, like, THE dick. And if I really think about it, I had to TEACH him how to kiss which I think you should have down by now. I don't know how subtlety I can say, "Slow down" before I just need to be like, "Please don't try and choke me with your tongue and this is not a race." And he was kinda racist which is, so not hot. And he always talked about himself. And he drinks, a lot. And he never complimented me, he actually insulted me on a regular basis. Awesome.

So, why do Dad Dude and Classmate get the, undeserved, Horns and King Dick gets the Halo? Why can't they be switched? Why can't I be in to Dad Dude? Why can't I be ok with the fact that Classmate chews loudly and always had his fingers in his mouth? Why does King Dick put butterflies in my stomach?

I mean, I'm not damaged goods. I don't have Daddy issues. I had a super normal childhood and pretty normal adulthood. So, where does this fuckupedness come from? And why does every guy need to fall in to one, of the 2, categories? Why can't I look at these situations, or non-situations, for what they were?

So, on the Journey to the Healthiest Version of Me, I shall try and clear all of the Halo and Horns categories out of my brain. Maybe I'll start seeing a Shrink; it looks like this journey is going to be quite a few steps miles.

I've had a few friends in the past few years talk to me about Crossfit. They said it's super hard-core and that I'd be a good fit for what they have to offer. So, when an old friend of mine told me to check out the open house they were having I summoned (bribed with Sugar-Free Rockstar) my friend, who's always down to get her ass kicked in the gym, and told him I'd go.

He said he'd take "special care of me," and I got scared. Scared as in immediate flashbacks of the restaurant we used to work in together. Scared as in flashbacks of me being slow to type in my orders on the computer, or slow to get his drinks for customers, or slow to seat him...and him ready to get me back for annoying him day in and day out through our college years. Though, I had committed and I know him and I knew it would be WAY scarier to NOT show up than to just go.

So, in the morning, Sarah and I headed to Crossfit. I got there first and the girl at the door was super nice...and nicely told me I was in the wrong place and gave me directions to the right place. So, now I was freaked out about working my ass (that hasn't been worked in weeks months) AND the fact that I was going to be late.

Fast-forward through Sarah and I on the phone, "Is it on Frank Loyd Wright? Where are you? I don't know where we're going," for the next 10 minutes. Fast forward to us walking in late to SCOTTS-FREAKIN-SDALE Cross-Fit. I make it a point to NEVER go to Scottsdale clubs because those people are just too hot for my blood, but apparently Sarah and I just walked in to where the Scottsdale kids hang out during the day, in this hot freakin' gym, in minimal clothing. All those hot, non-eating, beautiful Scottsdale girls. All those hot, non-eating, beautiful Scottsdale boys...and me, who eats and does NOT live in a gym.




Oh well, eff it. I'm here and now I have to show them I came to play. So, we stretch as a group. PS. I was hoping the Scottsdale girls would be bitches...no such luck. People opened up the circle to make sure we had room, they chatted with us, they smiled. UGH, annoying, hot AND nice.

After the stretching we separated into 2 groups. Bad asses, and my group. The Bad Asses were doing pull ups, and not just dudes either, girls too! My group was doing some sort of modified pull up on some rings and I was doing the modifidest (I made that word up) version. 3 sets of 10. Done and done.


Kettle bells were next. I was trying to do more than they told us all the while thinking to myself, "Maybe I should be in the advanced group. These people are moving a bit slow." Next up, wall ball. Same as before. Justin said, "Slow down. This isn't your workout." I thought, "I'm sure the work-out will be more of the same. Seriously, I'm awesome. I don't know why everyone says this is so hard."

And then the workout started..."So, you need to do 18 Kettle Bells, 21 Wall Balls, a 200 Meter run and you need to do all of it 3 times as fast as you can." Me, "WHAT-THE-F-U-C-K." Here's a quick, fun fact. Even though I was scared, I know how this shit works. Those gangster dudes who run these places HATE complaining and HATE quitting. How do I know this? Because I used to work out with some gangster dudes and they were the same. And my family doesn't do the bitching and moaning about hard work. So, I, inherently can be pretty gangster, when necessary, if I do say so myself.

So we go...and I do it. I Kettle Bell. I Wall Ball..and then we have to run and I feel like I AM GOING TO DIE...because I hate running (and when I said I was doing Couch to 5K, I did...for 2 days). People were zooming past me but I kept hearing, "Come on. You got this." So, I had it and I ran.

Ok, 1st set done. 2 more to go. I'll spare you every detail, but I finished and I felt like I was going to throw up. Now, I have thrown up while working out before but it was always because I ate too soon before I worked out. This was different. This was my body saying, "What the hell did you just do to me?!" The nice thing was that Sarah (who is WAY skinnier than me) also felt like she was going to throw up and that made me feel excellent.


Final Thoughts:
I love Crossfit. It's WAY more my style than Bikram Yoga (although I WOULD like to be more Zen). I need Crossfit to be cheaper, like $24 a month would be good.

I give full credit to http://www.littlemissmomma.com/ for coming up with this idea. I actually think her friend came up with it. Nonetheless. I heart it and I will steal it because I think that if I read someones blog on a regular basis, we're friends so she won't care. However, if you're bored of my blog, go and look at hers. She a professional (unlike myself and my ametuer (I can't get the red line to go away. That means I spelled that word so wrong that the computer can't even tell what I was trying to write. Oh well, I give up. am-eh-chure, in case you didn't know either) status) and funny and fun and has super cute crafty projects...but I digress.

Here are a few Awkward and Awesome (I've noticed that I just capitalize anything I feel "deserves" a capital letter, such as awkward and awesome, don't tell my students I don't follow the capitalization rules) things that keep me on track.

Let's start with Awkward...because it's more fun and I know all of you enjoy laughing at my mishaps.

Awkward Things that Keep Me on Track
Every morning I put the blowdryer under my chin so it blows all of my hair back and I feel like a supermodel for a few minutes...until I turn off the blowdryer. When I'm feel low, I do it for longer. How does it keep me on track? Because. When my face is fat I don't feel supermodely so I can't have that.


I do "the check" every morning as well. I used to check my stomach by sitting down to see if there were any rolls. I secretly likes the tiny skin rolls but if it rolled like there was fat, it was a bad day. Now, I'm older and not a size 5 so I already know what the answer will be if I do that check. I, instead, do the back check. How far do I have to bend to make a back roll? Is is there when I am just standing? BAD DAY. Do I have to really bend back? EXCELLENT DAY.


Can I feel my hip bones? I don't know why but I wasn't blessed with wide hips (ps. that might be another "awkward." I want big hips and I could care less if my booty gets bigger. Are you singing Sir-Mix-A-Lot right now too?) Anyway, if I'm about to got to sleep and can feel my hip bones well, I'm doing fine. If not, it's time to move my arse, er...hips. PS. I know this picture doesn't really fit but those ARE his hips and that IS all I watched when I saw Fight Club so I think it fits.


And a few Awesomes...
I LOVE cinnamon and I found these Cinnamon Almonds with, only, 1 gram of sugar per serving. I crush them and put them in my oatmeal. DELICIOUS!



I have to stay healthy because I don't excel at many things but I am a damn good aunt. You're not seeing the how being healthy equates to being a good aunt? Is it because I wanna live a healthy life and be able to run around with them? No, it's much more vain than that. I hate being in pictures with my niece and nephew when I am insecure and since I see them all the time, I have to keep it up. PS. I know that Lumberjack sweater isn't the girliest thing ever. I blame the mother of these perfect children because I said, "Bring me a sweater and that's what she gave me."




And there you have it. What are the awkward and awesome things that keep you on track?!?

It's no secret that I love sugar. Love. This makes me think of that Friends episode when Phoebe is dating the psychologist and he says, "It's just food, Monica, not love." "It's just sugar, Katie, not love."

Let me just tell you about the worst of my addiction to that refined poison...during my 1st year of teaching (which was the 2nd most stressful time EVER) my daily routine, after school (and sometimes at lunch too-did I really just admit that??), was to get a Diet Coke and a Twix bar out of the vending machine. You know how the commercial for Twix bar makes them look like a "pause" button? Well, where the hell was the pause button during my gluttonous overdose of a year of bad decisions and a TWENTY (yes, you read correctly) pound weight gain?!?!




Fast forward to the next time I ODed, big time. I moved to Durango...the fittest city in the world. These people worked out and ate healthy like it was their job. The guy I used to work with biked to school every day...even when it was 8 degrees. WTF?! EIGHT DEGREES. I didn't even want to walk to my car, let alone bike to my job. So, all of the Durangans were kayaking, hiking, jogging, biking, rock climbing, cross country skiing. I was driving, not biking (even though that's pretty much how everyone else gets there) to Bread...for the cookies that were as big as my face. This happened a lot. Strong work Cartier.



So, as I began getting healthier, because it was either that or slit my wrists (and probably watch refined sugar pour out of my veins), I did some research. Since I pretty much have a PhD in Googling, I Googled.


Major things that cause sugar/caffeine (caffeine is in this category as well) cravings:
1. High stress
Your body doesn't care whether you're stressed because you're being chased by a shark (in which case I would hope I wouldn't stop for the Twix but I'm not convinced) or because of the day-to-day BS. SOLUTION: Realize you're getting stressed and: breathe, meditate, chew gum, whatever it takes to keep the garbage out of your body because the last thing you need when you're stressed is for your jeans to not button.


2. Inflammation
This sounds weird, but it's true. However, it can me the normal inflammation like injury or something or allergens. So, if you are allergic to everything, as I am (I'm not freakin' kidding. They put 80 "allergens" on my and I was allergic to 73 of them, Holy Shnikees!) you'll be affected. SOLUTION: Take your allergy pills or stay away from things you're body hates you for putting in/near it.


3. Low blood sugar.
That means when you don't eat enough, your blood sugar gets low and you crave sugary snacks. SOLUTION: Eat every 3 hours. NEVER let more times than that pass and make sure that each time you eat there's some protein in the mix.


4. Not Enough Sleep
This is not a problem for me but some people getting enough sleep is a tough task. SOLUTION: turn off your computer (ahh, the irony as I type this as midnight) and drift off into dreamland. Sidenote: I had to put this adorable picture of my sweet, sweet niece sleeping like a baby.



5. Eating Dirty
This is the opposite of "eating clean." So, if you're putting food that has been altered (think: almost everything that's in the aisles of the store), you're going to be craving more of that dirty food. SOLUTION: Detox. Some people don't agree with these but I do. People have said, "Our bodies are built to process this and we don't need to do them." I say, "No, our bodies were NOT built to process chemically enhanced, processed food. So, for that reason we need to "eat clean" and when we don't (cause nobody can do it all the time) we need to detox. In unrelated news: don't EVER Google Image: eating dirty. Ahhhh, my eyes are burning!!!


Moral of this story: I had to find my triggers and still have to work hard to realize what is going on when it's happening and then, here's the hard part, not give in to the sugar cravings.

PS. I'm not sure if I mentioned this or not but refined sugar is BAD, BAD, BAD for you. So, grab some fruit (which is not refined sugar but still sweet) and let's all sing Kumbaya. Namaste Friends.

So, I started back to the gym yesterday.

I got on the treadmill and used my C25K app on my phone which, by the way, is awesome. I mean, at first I was a bit surprised. I really thought that with an app called "Couch to 5K" it would start with something a little easier like: Day 1- Remove your ass from the couch and put on your gym clothes. Day 1 complete.

Apparently my iPhone wants to push my a little harder than that. So, Day 1-5 minute brisk walk to warm up, then alternate 60 second run, 90 second walk for 20 minutes followed by a 5 minute cool down. Not too intense. This thing is great. It tells me exactly what to do and when so I can just listen to my music.

Though, it IS a little bossy. I was hoping for a sweet, "Ok, it's time to run. Good job!" It says, in a manly military-like voice, "Run." "Walk." "Run." "Workout complete."

What?! That's it?! "Workout complete." How bout, "Way to move your ass today. I'm so impressed at your endurance (can I even use those words without laughing when I run for 60 seconds at a time). Way to only watch 2 episodes of Khloe and Lamar and not 12!" So, I need more accolades than most. Oh well, I guess I'll have to call my friends for those because apparently Mr. Drill Sargent voice on Couch to 5K won't be giving it to me.

Today...Day 2 of C25K.

"I'm ready for another blog. You only posted once in May." I'm sure you can imagine my surprise when I got this text from my cousin. I mean, on one hand, she's family so she's practically required to say that but I was so stoked that someone reads it! Yes! Mission accomplished.

So, now I just have to think of something to write about...

What I really wanna write about is the most recent date I went on because I'm way funnier when I'm making fun of someone, but I fear he would find this blog and have his feelings hurt, and while I don't mind making fun of people behind their backs, making grown men cry is never something to brag about. So, I'll give it to you in a nutshell: super nice, cute, did all the right things, and I'm just not that in to him. Why? Why, you ask? Because I'm an asshole, that's why...and a glutton for punishment (and singlehood, apparently).

And that's what I have for today. I promise I'll be a better blogger soon.

I love this and perhaps I should morph my blog into this:

So...the losing the weight part wasn't that tough...it's the whole, "You're going to have to maintain these eating habits for the rest of your life," thing that's a little tougher.

I'm doing it already..."Well, I shouldn't grab fast food on the way home...but I lost some weight so it won't really hurt." "No sugar Katie...but I lost some weight so it won't really hurt." "I should only eat a handful of popcorn...but I lost some weight so a bit more won't hurt." YES IT WILL!




So, I need to get back on track and that's what I'm doing...starting tomorrow, just kidding, starting today, now.

Goals for the summer:
1. Get into ALL of my old shorts and no only have them button but have them button WITHOUT the muffin-top. "Just because they button, doesn't mean they fit."
2. Run.
3. Eat frozen grapes-frozen grapes NOT popsicles.
4. Swim...that means swim laps not lay on a raft in the pool.