When I was crazed hormone raging teenager and my boyfriend had dumped my for the 15th time, that week, I was crying to my mom about him. "I don't know why he doesn't like me. He's perfect." My mom replied and said, "No, he's not perfect. You're giving him a halo effect and acting like there's absolutely nothing wrong with him and he's a dick sometimes." Ok, she said some other not nice words about him that I'll leave out. Gotta love moms right? Anyone hurts their kids and look out!

15 years later and I am finding that men fall into 2 categories when I'm done with them, Halo or Horns.



Examples:
There's a guy in my class who I think has a crush on me. He says my name, like, a hundred times a day. He fills up my water cup during the breaks, just because he notices its empty. He always compliments something about me, "Look at your big, green eyes." (Well, now that I'm thinking about it, maybe that's not a compliment. Maybe they freak him out). "You're really photogenic." "Wow, you look nice. You're all dressed up." All this niceness and all I can say is, "He picks his fingers. He bites his nails. He reached INSIDE of his shorts to adjust himself. INSIDE his shorts."
HORNS

Went on a date with a guy and here's what I said when I got home (ok, not all the way home, got into my car). "I felt like I was on a date with my dad. He showed me, no he literally SHOWED me what was in all of his bank accounts."
My friend, "Um, so how much was there?"
"Who cares! He told me I should shop at 2nd hand stores to save money and that I should make sure I pay off all my credit cards every month!"
"Um, you should."
"Shut up. I know. How do I know? Because that's what my dad says. He tells me all the time and I have to listen because he's my dad, but I don't have to listen to a dude tell me that on a first date."

I'm pretty sure I went on to give a very detailed list of everything wrong with Dad Dude from his clothes to what we discussed to what he ordered and on it went.
HORNS.

Other dude:
My friends are nauseous because I still mention him sometimes.
"Are we done here? That guy was a dick and he's still a dick."
"I know but he was so nice. We really connected. I loved being around him. He was so funny and when I was around him I wanted to be exactly where I was and I wanted it to last longer."
HALO

So, why do they all fall into these 2 categories? Where's the gray? Because if I really think about it, Dad Dude is a pretty nice guy, actually a really nice guy. And he noticed stuff about me and complimented me and was a gentleman. He's tried to connect with me multiple times, since then, and I keep shooting him down.

And if I really think about it and I don't even REALLY have to think about it, other guy was a DICK. No, not just your average run-of-the-mill dick, like, THE dick. And if I really think about it, I had to TEACH him how to kiss which I think you should have down by now. I don't know how subtlety I can say, "Slow down" before I just need to be like, "Please don't try and choke me with your tongue and this is not a race." And he was kinda racist which is, so not hot. And he always talked about himself. And he drinks, a lot. And he never complimented me, he actually insulted me on a regular basis. Awesome.

So, why do Dad Dude and Classmate get the, undeserved, Horns and King Dick gets the Halo? Why can't they be switched? Why can't I be in to Dad Dude? Why can't I be ok with the fact that Classmate chews loudly and always had his fingers in his mouth? Why does King Dick put butterflies in my stomach?

I mean, I'm not damaged goods. I don't have Daddy issues. I had a super normal childhood and pretty normal adulthood. So, where does this fuckupedness come from? And why does every guy need to fall in to one, of the 2, categories? Why can't I look at these situations, or non-situations, for what they were?

So, on the Journey to the Healthiest Version of Me, I shall try and clear all of the Halo and Horns categories out of my brain. Maybe I'll start seeing a Shrink; it looks like this journey is going to be quite a few steps miles.