If you come here for the laughs, you're at the right blog...wrong time.  It's taken me several months to write this blog because I was a little "too deep in it" for a while to even know what I wanted to say.  I'm still not sure I really know what I want to say.

Have you ever had a friend tell you that you were a toxic person in their life?
Have you ever had a "friendship break-up"?

I did with someone who has been in my life for 20 years.   Yep, 20 years of friendship, gone.

It wasn't my decision and I, honestly, didn't feel like I had any say in the situation when she told me she did not want me in her life anymore.  There were a lot more details that I don't feel like I should share but at the end of the day, with me, she didn't think I was good for her.

This didn't come out of an argument which is why I know, that's it.

When she thought of me and our friendship, she thought of bad things.
She thought of me as someone who didn't have her best interest at heart.
Someone who was constantly judging her to the point that she didn't feel comfortable being around me.

So...here I am, months later, and my head is still spinning with so many different emotions.

Sad
I'm still so sad.
I can't believe she thought this was necessary.
I'm sad that she doesn't remember all the millions of good times but she honestly believes most of our friendship has been bed.
I'm sad that this feels so final.
I'm sad that she's off living her life and I have no idea how she's doing.
I'm sad because at the end of the day, I would never doubt that she's a good egg and she didn't do this to hurt me...which I guess makes me even more sad.

What will I do without THAT best friend?

Hurt
How is all ok with her?
How does she not miss me so much that she just picks up the phone and calls me?

Pissed
Because are you kidding me?
How can you be so arrogant that you think I am a bad person?
You know what I think is the meanest thing you could possibly do to someone?  Ignore them.
How does she still remember and bring up things from high school?  Another friend once told me, "We can't be held responsible for the stupid !@#$ we did in high school.  Our frontal lobe wasn't completely developed!"

Confused
Am I really a bad friend?
Do my other friends feel that way?
I have always thought that I had intense, honest and amazing relationships with people but if she feels this way, do other people?
What brought her to this point?
Does she only remember bad things about other people?  Does she still bring up things that happened in high school with all of her friends?
This all feel so dramatic.
I guess we get angry to cover up the hurt because really I am so hurt.  No, I'm so pissed.  No, hurt.  Pissed.

Understanding
I get it.
We are adults and we get to choose who we want to be around.
By all means, if someone doesn't want to spend time with me, I don't think they should.
I appreciate that she came to me and told me and didn't just start ignoring me.


So...there it is.
Me.  My heart out there on paper.
I don't have a ton of intense blogs but this is definitely one of them.
Perhaps she'll read this and possibly get upset because most of our friends will start their detective work on Facebook and know exactly who I'm talking about.

But at the end of the day, everyone on the planet knows this is a good and kind person.  So...there's that.

I honestly want to know if anyone has been through something like this because it feels so foreign.
When did it get easier?
When did you "get over it"?