If you come here for the laughs, you're at the right blog...wrong time.  It's taken me several months to write this blog because I was a little "too deep in it" for a while to even know what I wanted to say.  I'm still not sure I really know what I want to say.

Have you ever had a friend tell you that you were a toxic person in their life?
Have you ever had a "friendship break-up"?

I did with someone who has been in my life for 20 years.   Yep, 20 years of friendship, gone.

It wasn't my decision and I, honestly, didn't feel like I had any say in the situation when she told me she did not want me in her life anymore.  There were a lot more details that I don't feel like I should share but at the end of the day, with me, she didn't think I was good for her.

This didn't come out of an argument which is why I know, that's it.

When she thought of me and our friendship, she thought of bad things.
She thought of me as someone who didn't have her best interest at heart.
Someone who was constantly judging her to the point that she didn't feel comfortable being around me.


So...here I am, months later, and my head is still spinning with so many different emotions.

Sad
I'm still so sad.
I can't believe she thought this was necessary.
I'm sad that she doesn't remember all the millions of good times but she honestly believes most of our friendship has been bed.
I'm sad that this feels so final.
I'm sad that she's off living her life and I have no idea how she's doing.
I'm sad because at the end of the day, I would never doubt that she's a good egg and she didn't do this to hurt me...which I guess makes me even more sad.

What will I do without THAT best friend?

Hurt
How is all ok with her?
How does she not miss me so much that she just picks up the phone and calls me?

Pissed
Because are you kidding me?
How can you be so arrogant that you think I am a bad person?
You know what I think is the meanest thing you could possibly do to someone?  Ignore them.
How does she still remember and bring up things from high school?  Another friend once told me, "We can't be held responsible for the stupid !@#$ we did in high school.  Our frontal lobe wasn't completely developed!"

Confused
Am I really a bad friend?
Do my other friends feel that way?
I have always thought that I had intense, honest and amazing relationships with people but if she feels this way, do other people?
What brought her to this point?
Does she only remember bad things about other people?  Does she still bring up things that happened in high school with all of her friends?
This all feel so dramatic.
I guess we get angry to cover up the hurt because really I am so hurt.  No, I'm so pissed.  No, hurt.  Pissed.

Understanding
I get it.
We are adults and we get to choose who we want to be around.
By all means, if someone doesn't want to spend time with me, I don't think they should.
I appreciate that she came to me and told me and didn't just start ignoring me.


So...there it is.
Me.  My heart out there on paper.
I don't have a ton of intense blogs but this is definitely one of them.
Perhaps she'll read this and possibly get upset because most of our friends will start their detective work on Facebook and know exactly who I'm talking about.

But at the end of the day, everyone on the planet knows this is a good and kind person.  So...there's that.

I honestly want to know if anyone has been through something like this because it feels so foreign.
When did it get easier?
When did you "get over it"?

When I was 17 years old I wrote a paper for a psychology class I took in high school about Euthanasia.  At that time I presented both sides of the topic but, ultimately, supported Dr. Kevorkian.

It's a hot topic.  Brittany Maynard.  It's a controversial topic but hey, we (I'm not sure who "we" is other than me) never shy away from controversy here.  So, let's talk about it.

Today, I feel the same...multiplied by a thousand.  I fully support Brittany Maynard.  I hope this legislation is passed in more states for the following reasons...

1.  It's Not Suicide
Suicide is someone who is making the choice to end his or her life.  People whose death is imminent are not CHOOSING to die.  Don't tell me that people at the end stages of brain cancer should "wait for a miracle."  That's ridiculous.  I mean, really, how many doctors and nurses would tell you that those people on their deathbeds got up and went home and lived full lives by some miracle.  I'm pretty sure the cases are almost zero.


2.  For the Loved Ones 
Have you ever watched someone die?  No?  It's the worst thing you can imagine.

As the Hospice Nurse sat us down and said, "If she starts to bleed out at any point, just start pumping her full of morphine," I replied to the very Catholic woman, "Are you fucking kidding?  Could that happen?"  She told us it was unlikely and thank God it didn't happen.

In fact, in the grand scheme of things, her death process was "easy."  I, obviously, say that dripping with sarcasm because it was a version of Hell I hope I never experience again but I know people who had it worse.  The loved ones of people with brain cancer, for instance.  That's an ugly one.

But ours was no walk in the park, that's for sure. Watching someone who was once the most vibrant person in your world lose all her muscle tone, have to be carried, and have moments where she would not remember the name of her own daughter is something that will haunt me for the rest of my life.

There is nothing was worse than the sound of death knocking at the door and I mean the actual sound.  Death rattle is what they call it.  You can Google that one.  It would be chilling to watch on television but when it's your own kin, it's worse-if there is a worse.  It took me a lot of years to get that sound out of my head and I'd put money on the fact that there are members of my immediate family who can still hear it.

So, for the people who watch death, I support euthanasia.
For my father, whose final memories of his wife are not peaceful, but ugly.
For myself and my brother, who, even in our twenties were way too young to have to remember their mom is such an awful state.
For the constant memories that took years to go out of our heads, I support Euthanasia.


3.  For God
"God will decide the right time to die." To me, this argument holds no water.  If people truly believed that, then they would not accept emergency medical attention to save lives.  God is not medically intervening there, doctors are.

God gives us lots of decision making power, in all things.  This is one of them.
God has a plan.  I believe that.  However, how do you know THIS is not God's Plan for that person?


4.  For Life
Something I can't stand is trying to chemo the fuck out of people who are dying.  They are dying.  Let them live life to the absolute fullest, feeling great, and then let them die...gracefully, in whatever way they choose.


5.  For the Patients
When should they get a say?  My mother was a good Catholic woman who may not have chosen that option, given the choice, but SHE should get to choose.  Her body.  Her imminent death.  Her decision.

And as with most things...politics and such, I live somewhere in the middle.
I can see the other side.  I have read your thoughts and I understand your words but I disagree.

Where do you stand?  Don't worry, we can still be friends...if you're cool with it ;)