Sometimes I get a case of the "I miss yous," like today, still, after almost ten years has passed.  It usually happens in the morning, when it's really quiet.  I look up at my pictures, the one of you laughing with your mouth wide open (typical) or the one of you sitting between my brother and I-possibly probably regulating an argument even though we were adults, and I realize that I'm always going to miss you.


So, I look for your words and lucky for me, I always have them.

Last night I was talking to my aunt and I partially joking, "I need to be told all the time that I'm wonderful."  She laughed and said, "Yes you do," because we both know that's kinda true.  I said, "It's my mom's fault.  She always told me how great I was.  Luckily I have old e-mails and cards from her to remind me of all of it.  Although, most of them are littered with lots of advice and scolding as well."  We laughed because we know that's absolutely a fact.

I read them and I can hear your voice and it's as close as I can get to a hug from you because they are you, one hundred percent Peggy Cartier, Mom, your voice.  I silently thank God for giving you that gift because when I open them up, I almost feel you for a minute.


Just love...

You are a wonderful daughter! Yes, I forgive you for being bucky at me
because your pops gave you a bill. I think you're amazing, and truly
gorgeous, Ms Katie, so relax! When I tell you to "lead with your chest,"
it's ONLY be cause less than that looks like you lack confidence, and you,
my dear, have NO REASON to lack that! You are incredible, and I should
know! I'm not just your mom, I was your first teacher:)
XOMom

Typical...

Hey, Squirt!
I get that the kid thing trumped my desire to see you yesterday, but 
that cannot happen twice. I miss your face, your ornery little attitude, 
and the richest laugh I've heard since my own! See you on Sunday after 
yoga! There's a great looking restaurant near Blue Burrito that's a 
breakfast place. Think we shoulds try it?
XOMom
Yes, dear, you are ornery on numerous occasions. Don't take it to heart, 
kiddo, you learned from a master:) The best news is, you make a qauick 
recovery.
Love you, Mooch!

Computer Difficulties...

See, this is why I never send attachments. I forget to attach them...
XOMom
Wait, I don't know how to make an attachment...maybe I'll forward this to 
you????

Speaking her truth...
I drive: myself nuts wanting to make things better (truer?) for those I love 
most--my family, my nephews, my sister, my parents. I still believe truth 
and clear vision are the greatest gifts we have, and we can go at anything 
from that perspective--even ourselves!!!

I sing: loud and daily!

I dance: Whenever the mood strikes me, even if we're driving somewhere! I 
now just pull over, get out, and dance. Why not? You can't be arrested for 
having a good time, as long as you're out of the line of traffic...

I write: daily and for my children! So they'll know what my daughter calls 
"the real" Peggy Aarskaug Cartier!

I miss: The innocence that was Tom and Katie when they were little. Gosh! 
Soooo open and trusting of everything we said and did. A huge 
responsibility. I keep hoping (and then seeing) that yes, we did pretty 
darn good!

I search: The faces of those I love for signs of God in their lives.
I've learned: That God is in all of us, and if we believe in those we love, 
we believe in God! How simple, and how profound!

Tough Stuff...
Hey, Mooch,
Sorry I didn't just crawl in with you last night when it struck me 
(just before I went to bed!). I won't restrain myself again when it comes 
to crawling in...I still do that with my Mom:) Next time, we'll get the 
crying out of the way earlier, if we must cry. This is all just a little 
too new, I think. We'll get it together soon, as that's what Cartier kids 
do, right? We've at least got it down to just a few times a day, right?
Your Dad and I were talking this AM about the experiences you and Tom 
have had in your lives. Many more deaths to cope with than either of us had 
experienced at your age, and you both handled them with more grace than I 
knew you had at the time. I realize how poorly I'd handle my Mom's death 
even now, and I understand how frustrated you must be with this mess. Let 
your faith carry you through whatever happens next, Katie, and you'll do 
fine. I love love love that you and your brother understand that there IS 
something even bigger than your parents, who are human after all. It's how 
I fell asleep each night in the hospital--in prayer. I'm glad you go to 
church, I know it provides strength, and it's the best thing you can do for 
your children.
Keep in mind that we are strong, we can handle more than our share, and 
we continue to move forward, be as good as we know how to be, and continue 
to welcome the world in with arms wide open. It's the best part of us, 
Mooch!
XOMom
Some day, let's you and I have a day together, hunh? Shop, movie if we 
want, whatever. I love you hugely, Kathryn Ann Cartier! Chin up, shoulders 
back, you can handle anything:)

Good Reminders for Today...
That last line sounded wistful, kiddo. Worry not! You wouldn't be here 
unless you were going to have children that are even better than you! 
That's how God populates the planet when things get out of whack, kiddo. 
The good folks all get babies. When it's their time. Relax. Areyou having 
fun? Are you happy? Lucky you! All that, and you're beautiful--inside and 
out--to boot! some folks get all the gifts-
XOMom

Thank you, Mom, for this gift that I will always have-you and your profound words.  Your legacy lives on...and what a legacy it is.  

This story is about someone I know.  Not me.  Just so we're clear that my references are not from my own personal experiences...because my life is perfect and moving in a fabulous-bump free-direction.

So there's this girl I know who read a book about ten years ago called "He's Just Not That in to You," and it changed her life.  For one thing it gave her and her friends some a common language to use when we they were watching their friends in situation that had red flags all over them.

"Wellllll, he called me last night at 10:30 pm and said he was going to stop by," and those friends could say, "________________, if he's not calling in during the day, you gotta lose him.  Move on," and they could say that because it was from the book.

And this went on for years and those girls would laugh and joke, "Ha! Won't it be funny when we are 30 and married with kids and we can reminisce about the pains of dating back then."  And when those girls were 30, they pulled the book out again to reference it...and when they were 35 and needed a dose of reality, they weepily pulled the book out again.

Then one of the girls, let's call her Sadie, went out with a guy whose resume was the best she had seen to date:
Tall
Dark
Strong
Very Handsome
Cowboy
Funny
Very intelligent
Incredibly successful


And best of all, HE pursued HER hard...out of nowhere and he promised her the world.  And in her fairy tale brain she thought, "This doesn't happen.  It can't work out this perfectly...but what if it just did?  Did I just find everything I was looking for and more...in cowboy boots?"  And so, like all girls do, she had everything worked out in her brain.  She thought she had FINALLY met her match because he was the whole package and in her head Sadie had bought her own pair of boots, packed up her house and headed east to live with him in his home, in his great state.  Some people thought, "Sadie, sloooowww down Sister," and some thought, "Of course her head is going all these places because that's what girls do," while others said, "Oh my gosh Sadie.  He's totally your match."

And if this were a fairy tale about Sadie that's where it would end.  A beach girl turned cowgirl living happily ever after with her cowboy.


But this isn't a fairy tale...

He pulled way back so she pulled back so he pulled forward, but just a bit, and he'd ask about her day but didn't seem to care about her response and he's go on and on about himself and he'd only text instead of call and she'd drink wine and send a stupid text that nobody would reply to...and he wouldn't reply and her friends, who were the best people in the world, would try with the kindest words possible, treating her with the "kid gloves" she needed at the time to guide her in the right direction.

And she would bring out the quotes from that mother-fucking book to remind herself what she already knew...


And she would cry, not because of him, but because why is it still hard?  And how did she think she got SO close and find a guy that she wanted to spend more than fifteen minutes around only to have it not go her way...again.

When does the fairy tale happen?

Because I am a fully pulled together woman, I'll give my friend Sadie some advice:
Good for you for opening your heart.
Good for you for being yourself.
Perhaps you could have used a little more patience and sent one less text but you know, at the end of the day, that although it was close-so close, it wasn't enough.
So, pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and keep doing you.

Someday you'll get your fairy tale...and it won't be perfect but it will be yours and it will be your favorite story.

There's a strong possibility that this is going to be an unfavorable blog...and that I am going to offend several people that I know.

I'm going to blame my mother.  Ummm, I'm not sure you can do that.  Still, she beat these thoughts into my head and they are so deeply engrained that I can't get them out.  Every time I would stay in front of the mirror too long she'd say, "Kathryn, stop worrying about your damn face.  You're beautiful.  Now find something better to do.  Why don't you go and feed the homeless tonight at the soup kitchen.  Maybe you could write a letter to your grandparents.  You could come and help me cook dinner.  Get away from the f!@#ing mirror."


Disclaimer #1:  Don't get mad at me.  I get a lot of anxiety if people are mad at me.  I love you all, even if you can't smile at me.  If you're going to get mad, don't read this.  Just close the link now.

Disclaimer #2: I'm not saying that I will NEVER do any of the things listed, below, but I'm going to hope I won't.

Disclaimer #3:  Confidence is sexy so if any of the stuff listed below makes you confident, do it!  Who the hell am I?

Disclaimer #4:  Who am I?  I'm a total dichotomy because I wear make-up, get my hair highlighted, nails done...so, really, who am I?


I can not wrap my brain around our beauty-obsessed society.  I just can't.  It breaks my heart that my fellow women feel like they need anything besides a kind and happy personality.

Why...
1.  The Fake smiles
I see so many social media posts where only the bottom half of someone's face is smiling.  Why?  Why don't you have a legit smile?  Are you afraid of what your real smile looks like?  Are you not really having a good time?  Did you know that when you smile, your eyes crinkle and your cheeks move...because in those fake smile pictures nothing is happening but a mouth movement.  It looks stupid and like you're not really happy.



2.  All the Botox
Enough already.  For the love of God, your forehead is SUPER shiny and it's pretty damn obvious that you have put poison in your face to ensure that it doesn't move.

Don't get me wrong.  I don't love the wrinkles that are quickly appearing on my face...from giving my famous teacher look or from so many tears, because sometimes life gets hard, or from years of teaching kids to swim or laughing until my stomach hurt.   Down the road I will say, "That look could make a kid do or stop doing anything...anything. And those lines near my eyes?  Yeah, my days were happy.  I spent a lot of time grinning from ear to ear."


3.  Injections
This filler and that filler and why the f!@# are you making your face plastic?  Why do you not want to look like you?  You...you with the thin upper lip.  You with the furrowed brow.  You with the shallow contours (I actually had to google what filler did to write that). YOU are already beautiful.


4.  All the money spent on your face
Maybe it's because I'm not an esthetician but I just don't get it.  Why do we spend so much money of face cream with diamonds in it?  Wanna know my beauty routine?  No, Katie, you're not the be all, end all, when it comes to beauty.  Yeah, you right but I'm gonna tell you anyway.

Night time Routine:
1.  Rub my eyes when I'm tired until I have mascara on my hands and realize I should wash them.
2.  Grab a make-up wipe and wipe my face.
3.  Brush my teeth.

Morning Routine:
1.  Wash my face with Neutrogena soap in the shower.
2.  Put coconut oil all over my face and body in the shower.  (Plug for my favorite product in the world)
3.  Put on make-up (which has sunscreen in it).

Daytime Routine.
1.  Drink water.
2.  If I haven't been drinking water, douse my skin (including my face) in Jerkins.

What is it that fills your soul up?  Is it what you see in the mirror or is it those moments where you are laughing so hard tears are streaming down your face?  Perhaps we should spend a little less time in front of the mirror and camera and a little more time enjoying what's around us.  Perhaps we could use that extra money to buy some kids, who don't have much, some new books or shoes?  Maybe we could put money away to spend on vacation so we can make memories?

Maybe it's not one or the other.  Maybe a little of both is best?  I'm not sure.  I just wish beauty obsession wasn't everywhere, in so many conversations and on the hearts of the people I know and love (myself included).  You are already beautiful.




What are your thoughts?  Do you hate it?  Love it?  Agree?  Disagree?  Want to punch me?

I just read an article...Sidenote:  I laughed as I typed that because I'm just now realizing that I'm definitely the "This one time, at Band Camp..." girl except mine is, "I just read this article..."
You totally are Katie.  
What can I say, I like to drop knowledge.
You're such a dork.
You right.

Onward...
My aunt posted this...


I just read an article or was it a Ted talk I watched?  Or was it both because I became obsessive with this theory after I heard it once?  Yes, that was it.

Here's the Ted Talk



It said, "Don't tell anyone your goals because when you do, you subconsciously think you have already accomplished part of them JUST by talking about them."

So, what the !@#$.  I LOVE to tell everyone what I'm going to do.  Everyone!
We know Kathryn. 
And I always do what I say...
Come again?
For a week.  I do it for a week.

However, some of my biggest goals, I didn't talk about almost at all...
- Do a triathlon.  Didn't talk about it.  Trained and did it.
- Complete a Whole 30.  Didn't talk about the first one until it was done and did it.
- Walk 60 miles for breast cancer.  Didn't talk about.  Did it.

So, in the words of my brother and apparently everyone else after I Google imaged it.
PS.  Tom stop trying to tell me you invented things.  You didn't invent this and you DIDN'T start the trucker hat or fedora trend!


What the hell?  I guess it can't hurt.  Here I am not talking about my goals.

I have set them.
I'm staying quiet about them.
But the whole, "Clap for your damn self" part?  Let's be honest here, I'm most certainly going to need all of you to clap for me.

So, what's your verdict?  Talk about them or don't?

Should I skip this one because I don't have a spouse?



Here's what I will be grateful for...
All the crazy and annoying stuff that comes with having a spouse.  He will not make my life perfect or complete me.  I am a whole person.  But he will be my partner in crime, the man to grow old with me, the person who knows my soul.

Why hello?  I am alive and haven't lost all of my fingers so I think I'll dust off the keys and get writing again.