Disclaimer: If you're sensitive and get offended easily, don't read this.  Also, you can read between the lines that this is just the venting behind the complete green shade of envy coursing through my veins ;)



If you're choosing to read on, don't even say to me, "Umm, was that about me?"  Yes, yes it was.  It was about EVERYONE.  And don't be offended because you know I love the !@#$ outta you...and your spouses...and all your damn rugrats.

Are you choosing to read on?  You've been warned and you know the rules.


Dear Friends who have been married since they finished high school who say, "Just date.  Just get online.  Just do it."
Punch.  You know why.
What in Sam Hell do you know about being single?  Nothing.

Dear People who have kids who say, "Wait til you have kids."
Punch.  You know why.
I DO have a life now and there ARE significant things that go on in with even if I don't have kids...and really?  Offensive.

Dear People who ask, "So, do you think you want kids?"
Punch.  You know why.
Do you know who you're talking to?!

Dear Everyone who says, "Have you tried doing the online thing?"
Punch.  You know why!
YOU try it.  It's a 2nd job.  The only people who ever write me on there are 55 or 18.  Awesome.

Dear all the men who broke up with me only to marry the next person you dated. (That has actually happened more than once twice three times)
Punch.  You know why!
Thanks for ruining my self esteem forever.

Dear People who post pictures of their kids who are going to kindergarten.
Punch.  You know why.
My kids haven't even made it past sperm yet.

Dear Everyone who tilts their head and says, "So, Katie, are you dating anyone?  You really should get out there."
Punch.  You know why.
You can trust that I'll sound the horns.  I promise I won't keep it a secret.
While I appreciate your concern, I feel like that's like walking up to someone who's really overweight and being like, "Ya know, you really should lose some weight."
"Thanks, I've NEVER thought of that before."

Dear Moms who complain about their husbands.
Punch.  You know why.
At least you have a damn husband.
If I cuddle with my body pillow one more night in a row I'm gonna slit my damn wrists.

Dear New Moms who have never held a baby before their own.
Punch. You know why.
I've been changing diapers and holding babies my whole life.
You're such a rookie and God deemed YOU worthy of getting knocked up and ME worthy of babysitting.

Dear My Mother and Grandmother
Punch.  You know why.
I was VERY clear about your job in Heaven when you got there-FIND. ME. A. HUSBAND.  Fail you two. Fail
What the !@#$ are you doing?  Put the cards down and get on it before my uterus closes up shop for good.

Dear God
I hope this is true...



Down the road when I have kids, tune in for the next edition of Punch entitled, "Dear People Without Kids-Punch"  Yeah, we're actually about to write that to you Katie, right after we write, "Dear People who complain that they're single but refuse to date-Punch"

I have a confession...

If you follow me on Facebook, you'll know that long ago in a kingdom far away (Cortez High School), I went to take the Principal Test.

I mentioned that it was a brutal, all day test, where I had to sit (not something I'm very good at) for EIGHT LONG HOURS.

I had to stare at this book for EIGHT HOURS.
I had to bubble in answers for EIGHT HOURS.
I had to write 4 different essays for EIGHT HOURS.

So, I went.  I read.  I bubbled.  I wrote.  I went through TWO entire boxes of pencils.  The next day my neck hurt from looking down for so long.  It was a painful experience for someone who has ADHD who doesn't love sitting for that long.


Anyway, anyone who pays a lot of attention to everything I post on Facebook.  We don't Katie.  Anyway, you'd realize that I posed that I took the test but I never posted the results.

Know why?
BECAUSE I FAILED, THAT'S WHY.


Yes, you read that correctly.  Passing score 240.  My score 239.

I thought I was hallucinating when I read it but, sadly, I was not.

Let's just get the bad news out of the way so I don't feel like it's looming over my head...
I failed at my 1st juice fast.  Yes I did.

Now let's walk through it...

I watched "Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead," and decided I needed to "Juice."  My friend who juices was super on board.  She told me she was going to do a juice fast and asked if I wanted to start with her.  "Yes!" Just the motivation I need, I thought.

I went out to nasty WalMart and bought a juicer and tons of produce (don't judge me for buying produce at WalMart).  Roughly $200 later, I was ready to begin my 10 Day Juice Fast.

Came home and chopped, peeled, and juiced my ass off.
  


I put them in cute mason jars and labeled them with Expo.


Then I ordered a pizza.  No, I'm not kidding.  I just wanted to make sure my body was really toxic before starting.

I put this little chart idea I saw on Pinterest up.



I posted in my Boots to Ass Juice Group.  I posted on Facebook.

Sunday Morning:
Drank my 1st juice-Mean Green...not bad.  Spinach, Cucumbers, Celery, and Granny Smith Apples.
I was tired all day.  I took 2 naps.  1 is normal for me, 2...not so much.  Then I got a RAGING headache (Caffeine, I think).  Well, I may be exaggerating about the raging part but I never get headaches so this sucked.  I had this achin' head from 2 pm until the next morning.  By this time I had decided I'd just do a 5 day fast for my 1st one; 10 was a bit ambitious.


PS.  I also drank some juice with beets (SICK!  I don't like beets.  They taste like dirt) and 1 that was straight orange juice...didn't really taste like my Simply Orange Juice.


Sunday Morning:
I got up and drank a Mean Green and watched "Hungry for Change" <---great documentary.  Then I went to Whole Foods to get some Kale and nectarines.  While I was there I picked up some ghoda for after my fast (and some tortilla chips).  I started to think, 3 days is probably plenty for my 1st Juice Fast.

By the time I got in the car I had decided that 1 1/2 days was a great amount of time.

So there you have it.  I freakin' failed my 1st Juice Fast.

Things I Learned:
1.  I DO like eating my food.
2.  I DO NOT like drinking my food.
3.  I don't like beets.  They are pretty but not delicious.
4.  Mixing vegetables and fruit is nothing to be scared of...I'll add spinach to my morning smoothies.
5.  I'm gonna take a break from the caffeine for a while.  It scared me that I was so addicted to coffee that not having it gave me such a headache.
6.  I'm determined to incorporate more raw food into my diet
6.  I have to figure out a plan that works best for me.  For the past year I have been: Whole 30ing, off the wagon, Paleo, off, Whole 30, off...it seems to be an endless cycle that is becoming yo-yo dieting.

I don't think it was bad for me to do the Whole 30s.  They taught be SO much about myself, my body, my allergies and how we can use food as medicine.  However, I think it's time for me to find a lifestyle that works.

I have a lot of "tough love" friend, who I love, who are gonna say, "What's your problem?  Just do it!  It's not that hard."  To that, I would say, "I agree."  That's exactly what I want to say to people who: don't work hard at their jobs, can't manage their classrooms, who don't have friends (Katie, you don't have friends.  That's why you're writing a blog on Memorial Day.) who have social anxiety, can't carry on a conversations without completely dominating it (Katie, you do that sometimes).

But, ya know, I guess we all have our vices.  80/20, right?  80% of us is good and the other 20% is pretty sucky.



Apparently this is part of my 20% (a small part because I have a lot of other !@#$ in my 20%), my ongoing weight battle/body issues, one so many people I know have-well every person I know except 3.  And I say to them, way to go- the 3 of you.  I envy that part of your 80%.  I bet you envy some parts of my 80%...like my amazeballs personality or the way I can match my pajamas so well or, possibly, my super cute work bag and lunch bag.  We all have our 80%.  We all have our 20%.

What's your 20%?  What's your 80%?

PS.  Anyone wanna buy a juicer from me for $100?

It's actually a little earlier than that

I can't wait to tell you this story.  I'm not sure why I get excited to tell you about what a lame I am but I do.

Forever I have joked that my brother tells the most detailed stories in life.  "So, then there was this ant and he was walking across the street.  I wondered where he was going..." 
"Tom can we get back to the story about you surfing please?!"

In this instance, because of his detail-oriented story telling, I feel that he may do my story better justice than ,I but he doesn't have a blog because he's thinks they're super lame he's too busy so I'll go ahead.

"What should we do with the kids today?  The trampoline place or The Children's Museum."
"Let's let Philip decide."
Philip, much like his father, really ponders this decision.  "Well, I weawwy wove the Children's Museum but I WOVE Jumpstreet.  Wet's go to Jumpstreet!" <---I wish he would say those l's as w's forever but I know that someday his l's are going to come in...and on that day, I'll be sad.

Off we went to Flip Dunk (another trampoline place like Jumpstreet).


If you've never been to one of these places, it's a kid's dream come true.  The whole place is covered in trampoline's and you just bounce all over the place.  There an area for bouncy basketball.  There's an area for bouncy dodge ball.  There's an area to just bounce.  


For adults, you can't help but think of how dirty it must be with all those shoe and sockless feet bouncing all over the place.  But if you can get past that, it's SO fun and a good way to get your heart rate up. 

So, we get our wrist bands and get to jumping.  We're all having a blast.  Philip is trying to run up the side of the wall.   Tom is showing all of the 7 year-old kids what a cool "old guy" he is by doing back flips and nailing them with dodge balls.  I'm illegally sneaking Lily into the very clearly marked CLOSED gymnastics area. 

Later into our jump session Tom and the kids are off jumping.  I think it would be a fun idea to jump across the whole place.  Now, there are trampolines but every few feet they are seperated by wood or metal covered by mats.  So, I had done it before.  I just get a big spring and jump from one trampoline to the next.

Off I go.  BIG jump from one, on to the next.  BIG jump from that one onto...the mat.  I don't even know which way my ankle twisted but I was immediately screaming in agony.  I'm looking at Tom through the mesh wall and he's asking a little girl he just knocked over if she was all right.

A pimple faced 14 year-old runs over to see if I'm all right.  I tell him to get my brother.

Tom comes back and immediately moves in to big brother mode, "Katie, don't move.  Just stay right there.  I'm going to pick you up."
"Tom you are insane.  You're not going to pick me up...on a trampoline...and carry me off.  No."
Tom picks me up.
I almost jump out of his arms.
"Seriously Tom?"

Over walk the owner of Flip Dunk to assess the situation.  I didn't take a gander around but I'd assume that everyone in the place was staring at us.

Tom's trying to help me and wrangle the kids.
"Philip, take your sister's hand and do not let go over it.  Follow Daddy.  Aunt Katie got hurt." <--Awe, how sweet.  Yeah, hang on to that thought...for a few more minutes.

2 different mid-voice change teenagers come over and are holding my arms over them.  The owner is behind her saying, "Now really support her.  Don't let her go."

The 2 boys are rolling their eyes at their boss as they are guiding me down from the death traps trampolines.

At this time I catch Tom's eye, he's trying not to laugh at me and he says, "You're being put on everyone in this place's team right now."

We sit down, "Katie, you are so embarrassing.  I know you're embarrassed but think about how I feel.  I'm the cool guy who can do EVERYTHING here.  I can back flip, dominate at dodge ball and my sister is the lame who breaks her ankle."

The final result...ANOTHER badly sprained ankle.  So far I'm at 1 or 2 sprains on my right and I think this is the 5th to my left.  Yes, I'm a bit accident prone but that's what makes me so lame endearing.

At least I have the most sympathetic brother in the world,  "And then you were just laying on the floor of the trampoline place..."