Disclaimer: If you're sensitive and get offended easily, don't read this.  Also, you can read between the lines that this is just the venting behind the complete green shade of envy coursing through my veins ;)

If you're choosing to read on, don't even say to me, "Umm, was that about me?"  Yes, yes it was.  It was about EVERYONE.  And don't be offended because you know I love the !@#$ outta you...and your spouses...and all your damn rugrats.

Are you choosing to read on?  You've been warned and you know the rules.


Dear Friends who have been married since they finished high school who say, "Just date.  Just get online.  Just do it."
Punch.  You know why.
What in Sam Hell do you know about being single?  Nothing.

Dear People who have kids who say, "Wait til you have kids."
Punch.  You know why.
I DO have a life now and there ARE significant things that go on in with even if I don't have kids...and really?  Offensive.

Dear People who ask, "So, do you think you want kids?"
Punch.  You know why.
Do you know who you're talking to?!

Dear Everyone who says, "Have you tried doing the online thing?"
Punch.  You know why!
YOU try it.  It's a 2nd job.  The only people who ever write me on there are 55 or 18.  Awesome.

Dear all the men who broke up with me only to marry the next person you dated. (That has actually happened more than once twice three times)
Punch.  You know why!
Thanks for ruining my self esteem forever.

Dear People who post pictures of their kids who are going to kindergarten.
Punch.  You know why.
My kids haven't even made it past sperm yet.

Dear Everyone who tilts their head and says, "So, Katie, are you dating anyone?  You really should get out there."
Punch.  You know why.
You can trust that I'll sound the horns.  I promise I won't keep it a secret.
While I appreciate your concern, I feel like that's like walking up to someone who's really overweight and being like, "Ya know, you really should lose some weight."
"Thanks, I've NEVER thought of that before."

Dear Moms who complain about their husbands.
Punch.  You know why.
At least you have a damn husband.
If I cuddle with my body pillow one more night in a row I'm gonna slit my damn wrists.

Dear New Moms who have never held a baby before their own.
Punch. You know why.
I've been changing diapers and holding babies my whole life.
You're such a rookie and God deemed YOU worthy of getting knocked up and ME worthy of babysitting.

Dear My Mother and Grandmother
Punch.  You know why.
I was VERY clear about your job in Heaven when you got there-FIND. ME. A. HUSBAND.  Fail you two. Fail
What the !@#$ are you doing?  Put the cards down and get on it before my uterus closes up shop for good.

Dear God
I hope this is true...



Down the road when I have kids, tune in for the next edition of Punch entitled, "Dear People Without Kids-Punch"  Yeah, we're actually about to write that to you Katie, right after we write, "Dear People who complain that they're single but refuse to date-Punch"