For all who are following this journey, I feel like I need to answer some questions...

1.  What's his name? 
For social media purposes, his name is R but if and when you meet him, he will happily (and will really try to look you in the eyes while he does it) tell you his name.

2.  Why don't you post his face on Facebook?  
I can't post any identifying characteristics about him, his case, or his family because...privacy laws.

However, that doesn't mean we can't or don't want to get to know people.  He already knows lots of the people in my world and would love to meet more (but only one new meeting a day...as evidenced by the drama that ensued today) (insert wide open eye emoji here)

If you're out with us or comment on things, you can't post his face or his name either, but you can post me-if it's at a good angle and I approve it first ;)

3.  Why did he come into your care in the first place? 
Again, I can't tell you that.  I can tell you this, however...
The Department of Child Safety is in place to keep kids safe.  If the children are safe in their homes, they don't take them from their parents.

That does not mean that they don't have parents who love them.

4.  How long will he be with you?
I. Have. No. Idea.

And it's the hardest part.  I constantly feel myself, already, loving him "too much," treating him "too much" like my own kid.  However, in the words of a very wise seasoned foster mama friend of mine, "We treat them like ours and if they ever are not, we cross that bridge then."  Ok.  Ok but even thinking about him leaving makes my heart break more than the epic meltdown we had today.

5.  (If you're watching us in a grocery store and judging my parenting) Why does he act like that? 
Because trauma and adverse childhood experiences manifest themselves in many different ways in children, and behavior is one of them.  We're working on it...all day, every day and sometimes that's just not enough.

So, feel free to give me liquor...which I will need to store in my locked cabinet along with my nasal spray and Windex.  Ha! #thisisfoster

6.  Did you know this kid before?  Does he go to your school? 
Yes and I can't answer that but he'd be happy to tell you where he goes to school...usually before he tells you his name.

7.  What does he need?  Can you post a list? 
I probably won't get around to making a list because I can't even get around to applying sunscreen to my own body. 

He needs 4 red polo shirts because I'm not going to keep washing WHITE uniform shirts after a 9 year old boy acts like a 9 year old boy.  "Who, who makes white a uniform shirt color," says that Assistant Principal of a school who helps decide uniform colors.  Ha!

He needs Children's Tylenol and, after the rash he broke out in tonight, apparently Children's Benedryl.

He needs a new bedspread and a shower curtain and a few posters for his room to make it more his. 

He needs new toothpaste because he just learned how to brush his teeth for the first time and loves practicing but hasn't really gotten how much toothpaste is necessary yet.

Honestly, I have no idea what need needs besides that.  Every day I think of something new...usually after I've needed it.

Really, what he needs more than anything is patience, love, consistency and understanding...and he needs friends.

Plus, we've received a lot from our tribe!  We love you!

Let me know if you have more questions!  If I can answer them, I will!  If you're sick of these blogs...tough s***.  Just kidding (#notreally)  They are going to keep coming though.

Also, ummm parents?  You have always had all my respect.  But, for real now. You have ALL my respect.  #thisshitisexhausting

"No, no, no, no.  I'm not ready.  What did I just say I would do?  I know this kid.  I know the difficult behaviors he comes with and I just invited them into my home.  I have no idea how to be a parent," and it just kept rolling in my head as I furiously turned the "baby" room into a boy room and dashed off to the store to pick up more "kid food" while pulling out my phone to call the case worker back and tell her I had made a mistake. I was just spinning in my head when I got a text from an old friend whose words always have an innate ability to bring me to tears or change my actions on the spot,


And the checker at the counter looked at me with eyes that said, "I'm not sure why this shredded cheese is making you cry, but maybe you shouldn't be shopping right now?"

I took a deep breath, decided not to call and cancel my request for this kiddo and just kept reading that text.  I've done this a hundred times.  I got this.

And then it unfolded like a scene from a movie...

9:30 pm: Knock on the door and I answer to two DCS workers with a terrified little boy in front of them, holding a pillowcase full of his things.  My eyes immediately got hot with tears and a golf ball swelled up in my throat-both of which I forced myself to swallow back.  Why, why had this little boy been through so much in a short time?  He had buried himself in his clothes as if to try and shield him from the pain of this day and so many that came before it.  I said, "Hey Baby.  I'm so happy to see you.  Come here.  I've missed you so much," and into my arms he came. 

As the dutiful blog reading direction follower that I am, I had a movie playing and cookies fresh out of the oven-neither of which were very interesting to him.  He got to know the dog and talked a mile a minute while I tried to fill out paperwork with the DCS workers.  As he fixed his eyes on the screen for a few minutes, I said to the women, "Is this how late you always work?  You have a hard job.  I thought I had a hard job."

They said, "No, you have a hard job and today's transition was one of the most difficult ones with him.  There were so many tears but when we told him where he was going, he was so happy.  I do these transitions for a living and I have NEVER seen that.  I almost lost it.  I have never seen a kid go into someone's arms like he just did."

And I was reminded...
for all the times I fail,
for every step I feel that I'm behind in life,
for all the qualities I don't have,

This. 

This is what I was made to do.
Loving on tough kids in tough times.

Hard love.
Tough love.
All the love.

Bring it Baby.  

And as I tucked this sweet boy, who I was already in love with, into bed in his new room, he chose, I Wish You More as our first book book on our first night.  He read to me and when he finished I kissed him on the top of his head a tear fell from my eyes and landed on his hair.

For as many days as we're together or apart, I will always wish you more sweet baby.  

The crib sheets are washed in the most delicate soap.  The pack-n-play is set up-with each piece neatly in place.  There is room for baby with all extra stuff off to the donation center.  The floors have been waxed in anticipation of not having time for that later.  The car seat is installed to keep precious cargo safe.  Blankets and clothes and diapers in many sizes have been folded and put away with so much love...

and the baby came early
and she seems healthy
and looks beautiful

and she is headed off to her wonderful forever family,
which will not be with me.

The answer to every question you're asking is, "Yes."

Yes I'm heartbroken.
Yes I am grieving a child I never had.
Yes I'm embarrassed.
Yes I'm learning that this is foster care.
Yes I will stand back up.
Yes I'm going to keep going.
Yes I will get my baby someday soon.
Yes I will continue to be all in.

In an effort to document every step of this journey, I'm writing a blog...

I have started the foster licensing process because I have been thinking about it for quite a while and a particular situation has arisen where a baby, who will be born in the beginning of April can't stay with his/her (I don't know if it's a boy or girl yet) parents and I'm first on the list as kinship placement*.  

FYI, this baby does not belong to my brother or anyone in my immediate family.

If that's the case and I'm offered the baby, I would take him/her, and then if parental rights were severed, I would apply to adopt the baby.  



*Because of privacy laws, that's really all I can say right now I think.


Answers to Your Questions
You're gonna have a baby in less than two months?
If all goes as planned, yes.

Why are you sharing this now?
Because I always share and I figure, if you know, you'll send all your positive energy my way and I want it all!

When will you know if you get the baby?
When they call me and say, there's a baby here, come and pick him/her up or I'm dropping him/her off.

Oh my gosh, so how do you prepare?
Well, it's tricky.  I have to be ready to have a newborn in my home because I'll literally have a few hours between the phone call and the time I get him/her.

At the same time, while I'm pretty sure this is going to happen, there are no guarantees.

Also, I have a lot of people praying for me right now but could use as many prayers and positive thoughts as I can get.

Are you excited?
So very, very excited.

Are you nervous it might not happen?  
A little bit...but I'm more nervous that it will and I'll have a newborn in less than two months.  




Are you second guessing your decision? 
You know when something just feels right?  Like, when every single bone in your body is telling you it's what you need to be doing?  I'm there.  No second guessing.  Not for a second.

Should you make sure you don't get "too excited" about this in case it doesn't happen?
No.  That's never how I live my life.  When I want something, I go all in and if it happens to not happen, I won't be any less sad that I would have been if I had pretended it might not happen.

Working with kids at school and having kids of your own is very different. 
That's not a question there Ace.

And, also, I know!  There's no cafeteria to cook for my kid at home.  Maybe I can just keep him/her at school and run them through the lunch line?

Don't you want to have "your own" baby?
If by "my own" you mean would I like to be pregnant someday. My answer is, "Sure."  That is something I have always envisioned for myself and that hasn't changed.  If by "my own," you mean a kid that feels more "real" than this baby coming, I say...


What if the parents take the baby back? 
That would be devastating and hard but it would also mean they've done an extraordinary amount of work to make that happen.



Things you're saying behind my back:  
Kids born addicted to drugs could have big problems.  They can have health problems or behavioral problems. 
I know.

I don't think she really understands what she's taking on. 
Maybe not but what do we do when that happens?  We figure it out.

Wow.  I would never.
That's ok.  You don't have to ;)

Words for you:
To the people who are scared for me: 
Don't be scared.  I'm a thinker, a researcher, a lover, a planner, and a very strong woman.  Best of all, I am blessed to have an army of people in my tribe who good, bad, or ugly, support me and that's what we always need right?  To be wrapped up in love no matter what.

To the people who are proud of me: 
Don't be.  My decision is selfish and giving, perhaps, in equal measures.

To the people who are excited for me.
Yes. Be that.

4 months.
4 months, numerous glasses of wine, and a new school later, I'm ready to write this blog.

On my last day at Loma Linda, I got a box.  My Leadership team had planned a good-bye breakfast for me, and as my teachers streamed through, I got a thousand hugs and wiped my eyes for the thirtieth time that day.  Sad and grateful. 

I thought that was it and then my friend said, "Did you open the box?  You're going to love it."

Inside it was filled with letters from the people I have worked for years, and it was one of the best gifts I have ever received.  Heartfelt letters from teachers, my teachers that gave me way more praise than I ever deserved.

They told me I changed them, they said thank you for the years of hard and good conversations and that they will always be grateful that I made them feel successful, and I don't think I ever told them...

You changed me too. 

I started this job, as I start all jobs, terrible.

I very quickly learned that being a great teacher did not equal a great coach.  Even though I was terrible, I wanted to be better. 

So I watched. 

I watched their body language change when I was directing or giving advice to when I was truly listening to them and dialoging with them and not at them.  I listened to what they said about their days and made mental notes of how to support them through that tough month when everyone questions their career choice.  I researched the best ways to support these people who found their ways into my heart. 



Together, we learned from one another. 

These Loma Linda teachers taught me, over and over, how to be a better coach and a better person.  They have forever changed the trajectory of my career and the way I relate to my teachers. Thank you will never be enough. 

When I left Excelencia, I thought I would never love kids the way I loved those kids.  I didn't think I'd ever connect with teachers the way I connected with those colleagues...and then I did.  One teacher. One conversation at a time.  One laugh. One tear...at a time. 



And today, when I open that box for the tenth time, I am reminded just how much these people impacted my life. 

It was a very special time in a very special place that we built together.  It wasn't a job, it was home.  Thank you for making it just that.


And when they ask where I learned what I know, I tell them...it was from some phenomenal teachers who did whatever it took every single day.  Cheers to those teachers.  May you always know your worth and the way you are changing lives each day.  It was an honor to learn alongside you my teachers, my friends.

And may the next journey be just as sweet.

I started something a couple of years ago.  Every December 26th, I write a letter to my future self about the year I just had.  It sets me up for the year and helps me determine what I'm trying to get out of it.  I love doing it and I love re-reading it.  They only change I'll make this year it to actually print it and put it in a prominent place so that I can see it more often.  

Here's the letter I was to open this year and my reflections, in blue.  

What an intentional year you had Katie Cartier!  Your word for the year was LOVE and love you did. First, you fell in love with you and then you fell in love with a really great guy.

It really was an intentional year.  I did both of those things but I did them in the opposite order.  I did fall in love with a really great guy and I did fall in love with myself (more on both below)

You made 2016 a great year, full of new adventures and wonderful memories and 2017 was no different.

In 2016 you learned about making yourself a priority and in 2017 you really lived that.

For you, being healthy means healthy eating, exercise, doing good for others, and companionship.
You took your, what has now become, your annual letter and did more with it...

You printed it.

You created a Vision Board.

You put it on there.

You read it every Quarter and made adjustments to ensure you were on track!

 My wonderful friend Kelli got me a Vision Board and I did create the cards for it but didn't ever print them.  #growupkatie  However, I did have a year full of new adventures.  I was invited on a last minute trip to make memories with my cousin and family who I hold in the highest regard...and make memories we did.  I saw incredible places for the first time- Grenada, a part of the Caribbean I had never seen that was just an incredible as the other crystal blue water to which I had become accustomed.   

 Well here's what you did to be in love with you this year...

Healthy Eating
On the first day of the year, you were four days in to your first Whole 30 of the year.  You were already feeling less bloated, your skin was more clear and you felt nourished with clean food.

Over the course of the year you would complete 3 more Whole 30s and really keep your diet clean in between that.

You read lots of Melissa Hartwig's books to learn about how to sustain this lifestyle after the Whole 30s were over.

You should be so proud of yourself!  This year, you hit the lowest weight you would hit in over TEN years and it was all because you kept the foods away that didn't agree with your body!

I did do a Whole 30 last year.  It jump-started my healthy year.  I will always be a fan of all that they stand for and how they have changed my life over the years.  I didn't do four of them;  I actually only did one full Whole 30 and a few days of another one.  Ha!  #whole30quitter I read LOTS of Melissa Hartwig Instagram stories-totally her groupie for life.  

For the very first time, I ended my year healthier than I have been in ten years.  You guys!  Oh my gosh!  I am still 4 pounds from the number I put on here (and erased) but I'm back at my lowest Crossfit weight and headed into 2018 for even bigger goals!  Go Katie and go all the people and programs who got me there because Lord knows it takes a village!  

Exercise
You hiked 100 miles!  Fresh air, nature, and good music are good for your soul.  You rocked that hiking playlist and moved, moved, moved.

You wore your Fitbit for an entire month. You tracked all of your steps that month and were amazed at how you managed to get in over 10,000 for 20/30 days.

You rode your bike 500 miles!  Well done!

You swam 15 miles.

You did 90 days of Yoga with Adriene!

I really didn't do a lot of hiking this year at all.  Some, but definitely not 100 miles.  There have been years that this was huge in my life but not last year.   I wore my FitBit for 3 days at a time.  Ha!  Fail.  I probably went 100 miles on my bike last year.  Eeek, I need to pump up those tires and get on there.  I did swim way more than 15 miles.  I jammed out to my swim iPod and got those laps done!  I ended my year with a LOT of exercise.  I can run further and lift heavier than I could at the beginning of the year. 




Companionship
You began the year by going on 15 dates and yay for you, one of those ended up being the man you wanted to continue dating.  He's so good to you and you have had a wonderful year getting to know one another.

That is all true.  I went on a lot of dates in the beginning of the year and then I met this guy in early January and, very quickly, fell in love with him.  

It was easy from the start and he was absolutely a man I wanted to continue dating.  When I look back on 2017, he was the biggest part of my year.  We laughed hard and bantered and when we were good, our souls knew how to dance.  

And there's so much more to that story.  So much that wasn't pretty or storybook worthy.  

I ended 2017 with him out of my life and I am finally ready to close that chapter.  Really ready, not kinda ready to almost shut the book but peek back in when I get lonely.  I'm not bitter or angry with him or with me, because this is life.  Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't.  

I have never understood the "poor me" mentality.  Things don't always go the way you want them to but life isn't about things working.  It's about all those little moments that make up our days and years.  Some, moments that we think back on and smile and some that are hard to remember but they are always ours.  For me, most of my moments of full of sunshine...and of course, we mix in a few cloudy days. 

I love that, from this man, my heart learned to be compassionate and open.  I learned that being more open-minded about people, and all that we come with, allows us to judge less and love more.  That was a huge lesson for me and one I have needed to learn for a long time.  And a piece of me will always wonder what could have been if everything had been different.  But the bigger piece of me is so ready to see what's next for me.  
Truth be told, I ended last year sad.  I was in tears as I wrote this letter to myself-depressed and sad and an ugly version of me.  Today I write, grinning ear to ear...

I got to spend time with every one of my people.  Quality time where we were really present in conversations and connections. 

Every time my family moved further, my biggest worry was, "What about our relationship?"  This year I discovered that the answer is, "We will always be us."  Always.  I got to spend time with just Philip and Lily.  Nobody else was invited.   Best moments of my life.   They are bigger but their hearts are the same-strong, kind and so full of love for the people around them.  

My tribe and I continue to have collective and independent relationships, relationships I often don't feel worthy of.   I am constantly amazed at the amount of people I have in my corner.  My cheerleaders, my sounding boards, the people who are willing to put themselves in the line of fire to say what needs to be said.  I will always be the most grateful for the relationships that keep me moving.  Here's to all those little moments, with you, that were so very big.  

And me personally...I don't hate the camera and I love who I am.  I am in love, for the first time in a very long time, with me.  That makes me feel like I won my year.  I'm winning my life.  Cheers to 2018.  May it be just as life-changing.  



Who did your soul dance with this in 2017?  Did you win your year?  Cheers to you, my people and our upcoming year.   Right here-Right now.

It's no secret that I'm on a workout/eat right kick right now.  Yes, we noticed...from your annoying daily check-ins at the gym.  

Here's what I'm obsessed with right now.  Thank God!  We have been on the edge of our seats.  Seriously, all we can think about every day, "I wonder what Katie is loving this week."

Costco No Show Socks
I literally had 2 pairs of socks I liked wearing with my tennis shoes.  Two and ya'll know how often I do laundry so you can imagine what a problem this was becoming.  I'd get mad every day-to the point that I didn't want to go to the gym when it dawned on me.  Wait, "Since you're a grown up, Santa isn't going to put socks in your stocking anymore.  Go ahead and buy some damn socks."

These are perfect.  It says no show and it's the truth.  They are like a delicious hug for my feet.  Neat simile Katie.  Neat. 




Sports Bras from Target.  
Look at the back of them.  Adorbs.  However, they aren't super supportive so there's that.  Apparently you have to choose cute or supportive.


BCAAs + Glutamine 
I honestly feel like perhaps this was brought by Jesus.  Where has glutamine been all my life?  I'm not sure what the heck it's made from.  Perhaps the hooves of baby horses, but I don't even care.  It makes me not sore.  That's real.


Group Texts About All Things Exercise and Motivation 
Fun story: The girl who inspired me to do this challenge.  This girl.  LOOK. AT. THAT. PROGRESS.  She's, obviously, always been hot but she's so confident and even hotter now and in her words, "Every aspect of my life has improved.  I'm a better wife, a better mom, and a happier person."



Anyway, she had a friend in Phoenix who was starting the challenge as well so she set the three of us on a group text...and the rest is history.  We discuss our bodily functions on that group chat way too often to not be best friends for the rest of our lives.  Ha!  Thanks Jamie and Allison for helping me stay sane every day.



Kale and Quinoa Cakes 
Have I written about these before?  They are amazing, from Costco,  and make one less thing I need to meal prep each week.  If you're in the challenge, these are not technically FTDI because there's some carrot and egg yolk but it's very close and they've worked great for me so far.



Costco Veggies
Brussel sprouts, spinach and asparagus.  I heart everything about your Costco even your vegetables.




That's all I got right now.  I hope all of you blog readers are well.  I'm loving all the Christmas decorating, Santa visiting and general merriment that's going on right now.

Sidenote:  I'm looking for an awesome sign off.  I'm a big fan of Ellen's "Be kind to one another," but I don't want to take that away from her.  She'd be embarrassed if I took all her fans.  Now accepting sign off ideas.