Journey to the Healthiest Version of Me

Nobody Told Me...

6:38 PM

My friend's husband is currently dying of cancer. My heart breaks for her because, while I don't have any idea what the lost of a spouse could feel like, I know exactly what loss feels like and I so wish I could take this pain away for her.

My mind is flooded with memories of my mom's final days on Earth. Good memories, awful memories, and everything in between. Looking back, I had no idea. I couldn't have begun to imagine the enormity of the events about to unfold.

Nobody told me that every minute that passed would feel like hours, that I would look at the clock at least six hundred times a day, time would actually stand still and those would be the longest days I'd ever endure.

Nobody told me that in those last few moments Mom was awake, I would have no idea what to say to her because "I love you" just didn't feel like enough but it was that simple...and that complicated.

Nobody told me that instead of feeling close to the two closest people in my life, I would feel a great distance...because it was just too hard to be around the people I knew were hurting as much as I was, raw and open wounds that I just had to stay away from.

Nobody told me I would be paralyzed in my home, that leaving my house for an hour would actually send me into a panic because what if something happened and I wasn't there?

I had no idea that I would read a book from Hospice, cover to cover, at least three times a day. I couldn't believe they could put the death and dying process into a "how to" book. I cursed and laughed at the fact that someone would be stupid enough to assume they knew how MY mom would die...and then it happened just like the book said it would.

At the time I would wish away all the people. I wished my family would leave and the noise would stop and the calls would stop. I just wanted it to be done. Nobody told me that someday it would stop, and on that day I would want it back so badly.

I had no idea, at the time, I would develop a talent for writing to people who were losing their loved ones because I would remember what I hated hearing from people and I'd remember the words that helped me the most.

I didn't know people in my life would actually avoid me because they didn't know what to say. I wasn't aware how much I would judge them for not being there. And then I would stop judging them and feel bad that I had been angry with them for not knowing.

Nobody told me it would be hard for people to be around me too...because if they just heard me and didn't see me, they would think Peggy was in the room even though she was gone.

I didn't know how MUCH life would drastically change without my mom. The family gatherings would stop, the loud laugh would be gone, Dad would become a completely different person, and we would heavily feel her absence-years and years later.

I didn't know that someday my heart would finally hurt less. The crying would go from every few minutes to every few hours, to every few days, to every few months.

Protective skin would cover the scar on my heart, but it would always be fragile.