Things you will think when you read this blog...if my writing is as I intend for it to be (which is sometimes up for debate):
Your Thought: Your friend, Josh, is in an asshole.
Fact: Sometimes he is, in fact, an asshole...but for the most part he's my best buddy, so don't hate too much (you can hate a little).
Your Thought: This is kind-of your fault Katie. You should have known better.
Fact: Noted.
Your Thought: Are you exaggerating?
Fact: Not even a little bit. I'm being sassy but not lying. Swear.
So, it's my birthday weekend. I had just finished Pat's Run and was feelin' pretty great. Josh took me to Two Hippies for breakfast-quaint lil joint that serves some fab food.
We're doing what we usually do,solving the world's problems making fun of people and enjoying our eggs. I told him how excited I was that I got a giftcard for a new swimsuit and that I was going to head to the mall after we ate to pick out my new swimsuit.
"Oh my gosh! I have to go to that same mall to pick up my glasses! Should I help you pick out your swimsuit?"
IMH: Hmmm, normally that would be a resounding, no but...it's Josh. "Sure!"
We go. Pay attention, Gentlemen...
I bring you...
Your Thought: Your friend, Josh, is in an asshole.
Fact: Sometimes he is, in fact, an asshole...but for the most part he's my best buddy, so don't hate too much (you can hate a little).
Your Thought: This is kind-of your fault Katie. You should have known better.
Fact: Noted.
Your Thought: Are you exaggerating?
Fact: Not even a little bit. I'm being sassy but not lying. Swear.
So, it's my birthday weekend. I had just finished Pat's Run and was feelin' pretty great. Josh took me to Two Hippies for breakfast-quaint lil joint that serves some fab food.
We're doing what we usually do,
"Oh my gosh! I have to go to that same mall to pick up my glasses! Should I help you pick out your swimsuit?"
IMH: Hmmm, normally that would be a resounding, no but...it's Josh. "Sure!"
We go. Pay attention, Gentlemen...
I bring you...
What NOT to do in the Presence of Women Humans
1. Be present
As we walk into the store I say hello to the saleswoman and immediately Josh parks it alongside a display of swimsuits and gets on his phone-texting, Facebooking, Instagramming (I found out about his picture taking fun just yesterday). IMH: Umm, you VOLUNTEERED to come on this extravaganza so maybe you could act interested. Outloud: Put your damn phone away.
2. Don't look at a girl in a swimsuit like you're in excruciating pain
I grab a few swimsuits and bring them into the dressing room. I put on the first one, open the door and signal for Josh to come over. He does. I open the door wider. I wish I had better words to describe his face. I wish I had a picture. I swear to God he looked like someone was hurting me. He was giving me the biggest WTF look ever. Now, I had recently lost a bit of weight so I was feeling pretty good in my swimsuit but it's still swimsuit shopping and they're not really a time where you're more venerable than that.
3. Don't say stupid things
I come out in my 1st swimsuit and notice his awful and contorted face but choose to ignore it and ask, "What do you think?"
"Ummmm (continuing with the face of disgust), what do YOU think? Do YOU like it? (the damn look is STILL on his face)"
"I don't know. I like the bottoms but I'm not sure about the ruffles. Maybe I'll try on another one."
I come back out in the next suit.
"Is this one better?"
"Um, I GUESS it's better."
Perhaps a..."Hmm, your _____________ (fill in the blank with ANYthing, even if you're lying-legs, butt, ankles, freckle on your hip) look great but maybe your should go with a different style."
This train wreck goes on for a few more swimsuits. I'm almost crying in the dressing room. To be fair I feel like I should tell you I often cry in dressing rooms but Josh certainly did not help.
Finally I am so pissed that I tell him to leave and completely ignore him. He leaves.
We exchange the following text messages:
Him: I'm honestly not aware of why you got mad at me and if I offended you I'm sorry. I've never been women swimsuit shopping and would consider my cherry popped and refuse future invites from other ladies.
Me: Perhaps you haven't been swimsuit shopping but you have spoken with women before right? That's probably a food idea because you suck at it.
Him: So I suck at talking to women because I don't like ruffles.
This was our 2nd biggest fight ever. We didn't talk for almost 40 hours after this one. Luckily I quickly forgave his stupidity because even though he's dumb he's a MUST in my life.
PS. I am CERTAIN this blog will be followed by his account of what happened in defense of his actions but I want you to know, I don't ever lie.
