Let's talk about something that's been a concern of mine for a long time.

Leaving People.
It's unkind.  It causes anxiety.  It makes life worse.  Please stop doing it.  

Just shop together.  It's better.

As equal parts logical and emotional I'd like to come at this from two different angles to prove my point.  My hope is that this blog strikes such a chord with you that NONE of you ever split up in the store again...ever.  Wow, you're really giving your writing abilities a lot of credit right now, aren't you?  

You walk into the store with someone else and they say, "I'm gonna grab the sugar," and they head off in the other direction as you.


How does that make you feel?  Fine.  Well it makes me feel like I need a Xanax.
 

I'd love to say all of these questions come from the LPIMH but if you've ever done this to me, you've already heard the spiel (yes, loud and clear Cartier)  but for those of you who haven't had the privilege of shopping with me here it is...

Why?  Why are we splitting up?

The Emotional Side: Grocery shopping with other people is SO MUCH FUN!  You get to chat in the aisles.  It can be very relaxing to peruse together and it's perfect bonding time and if you ever go with my brother you might: play volleyball in the liquor aisle. have a full out battle with armor and masks in the toy aisle, or play "Who can buy the best present for a dollar."

Since I have multiple friends who are therapist and are psychoanalyzing this...yes, I got lost once.  I was 9 and in Hawaii.  It was traumatic.  Don't leave meeeeeeeeeeee!  I'm writing it small as to not draw attention to the fact that this may have something to do with why I hate splitting up.  It can't detract from the rest of my arguments because they are rock solid.  

(Reader Note:  You'll really get the fill gist if you read this very, very quickly so you can really feel and understand the exasperated tone with which it's written)

The Logical Side (and a little more emotional too):  Splitting up makes absolutely no sense at all.  The time you think you save by dividing and conquering is quickly eating up by attempting to locate one another.  Even if you make a plan to meet by the gum, how detailed was your plan, really?  You didn't discuss what type of gum?  Aisle gum with the candy or checkout counter gum?  Then you have to search both locations and meanwhile they were near the tortillas because they saw a sale.  Before you know it, you've walked the entire store.  All the while, the other person's heart is starting to beat SO FAST because should they go to the gum?  Should they stay put?  Should they just check out?  What if they got sick of waiting and went to the car?  What if they are waiting near the bananas because you mis-heard the conversation all together?


To all of the people in my life who know about the anxiety store splitting causes me and think is HILARIOUS to leave me immediately upon entering...punch.  You know why!  It's bad enough when you do it at my local Target but when you try and do it in other countries or states...I just can't.

So, in conclusion.  No, I don't want to split up.  If you try and leave me, I'll run after you like a little lost puppy and I'll make you do a science experiment for the next four trips where we time each other in each scenario in order to prove I'm right.  Don't make me get out my stopwatch.  Just trust me and do the right thing.